Pieces of Me

[tuesday_morning]

 

There's been a lot that's gone on since the last time that I posted on here, I'm going to be honest. I got diagnostic testing to see if I am on the Autism Spectrum, and it was confirmed that I am, indeed, on the Autism spectrum. That's something that I'm okay with, although it still feels surreal. I mean, all these years my mom didn't want me getting vaccines so I wouldn't "get Autism" and yet here I am with a diagnosis. So that's new... but there's more to it than that.

Back in 2023, I had diagnostic testing done before for other disorders and I had been diagnosed with a number of diffferent things, but the thing that stood out the most was Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)... And then the psychologist who saw me this time says I don't have OSDD or DID at all, but that it would be better explained by the BPD... I don't think I believe that very much, but I feel so down and dejected by that statement that I can hardly find the energy to dispute it in my own head anymore. I tried explaining myself, but she didn't seem to think I was one of the "Rare cases of DID"... I know my parts are real, but maybe what I believe doesn't matter.

I know that the BPD diagnosis is accurate, because I lash out towards myself in ways that are highly consistent with BPD. I don't lash out at others, though, so that's a relief... just myself... but I also have problems with connecting with others too... I don't want to go into it, because I'm very embarrassed...

I needed the Autism diagnosis for myself, I know that, but... it hurts to hear myself not be believed that I have OSDD, especially by a professional... she didn't know what "OSDD" meant, by the way, and I had to explain it to her.  But anyways, that hurts but also.. I completely forgot about the BPD diagnosis. I was in so much denial about it that I legitimately forgot about it. So now I feel like I got hit with TWO diagnoses instead of just one, and that's a lot to take in.

I feel like it's my fault that I'm so broken. I hate myself for being so broken, and I honestly want to bully myself into being normal, but I know that's not how this works. It just feels entirely shameful to be in this position and know that people would look at me in a certain way if they knew I was borderline. It doesn't matter that I only hurt myself, they might still see me as "crazy" or "unstable" without getting to know me first and judge me based on me first. It's like a big black mark on my record. It feels like it's my fault.

I'm not going to do anything stupid, but damn do I wish I hadn't been born, or that if I was meant to be this broken, that maybe I would have done something to stop myself from reaching this point in the first place.. I don't understand. I would never speak this way about anybody else, so why am I giving myself free reign to hate on myself here? God... even realizing that feels like a personal failure that I need to atone for. I feel like I can't do anything right, and that's why I keep wanting to verbally and physically punish myself. But then, if I disappear from everyone and just pretend that I don't exist, apparently that's "not healthy" and "not solving the problem". This is why I wish I hadn't made it this far; because I can't be smart enough to just deal with it and get over it....

I'll stop being dramatic about this eventually, it's just hard right now because I'm blocking out my helpful thoughts for the negative thoughts that make me want to die... I might reach out to 988 if I really need to, but I think this is a matter of me just learning to cope and calm down where I can... because the feelings are so strong that I don't think anyone can feasibly talk me out of hating myself. At least not right now.

I hope I'm not being a bother with this entry. I suck. I'm sorry.