tuesday_morning | On Mothers and Ending Generational Curses

I have an abundance of thoughts fluttering and flitting away in my mind. I want to write them out to free them from the chasm of my innermost mind, but at this moment in time, it feels like the thoughts refuse to allow me to grasp them firmly. Instead, they wish to be free to fly... so instead of trying to force the situation, I have taken to the notion of sitting still and steadying my breaths in an attempt to allow the thoughts to approach me instead. As I wait in anticipation of my thoughts settling around me like paper cranes seeking a peaceful resting place to land on, I realize that the thoughts I want to focus on the most might be bothersome to others, so I shall nest the following post beneath a "Read More" just to be safe. I will specify the triggers of the post directly below after I have finished allowing my thoughts to pour gently from the jar that represents my mind at present.

[Trigger Warning: Discussions of physical and emotional childhood abuse below]

... Recently, my thoughts have been very focused on my mom... when I say my mom, I mean to refer to my biological mom... anyways, I have been thinking of her day in and day out... it's depressing, to say the least.

My mom sent me a text on my birthday to wish me a Happy Birthday. I thanked her for the text and told her that I love her. That was about the extent of our conversation... That is all that was said between us, and yet, in the days following my birthday and name change, I feel like there is just so much more that I wish I could tell her. Much of me wants to unleash a verbal wrath upon my mom. This same part of me wishes to destroy and mangle everything in its path, leaving nothing behind but wreckage and despair where lies once stood... In the end, this part of me believes we are playing a losing game. She has lost so much hope...

I have been having conversations with my inner Mother (whom I refer to simply as [Mother] in this post) and receiving a lot of wisdom and guidance from her. I am thankful for every moment that I have to speak with her. Moments like that can be hard to come by, especially if I am trying to cope with life by plugging my ears with music or YouTube videos 24/7... in any case, I have been communicating with [Mother] a lot this past weekend and trying to find solutions to what hurts me... but I am beginning to realize (and even she has pointed this out to me) that even with the best guidance and largest amount of compassion in the world, my inner [Mother] cannot cure me of my hurts and pains... no matter what, I shall have to learn how to live with the understanding that my inner [Mother] exists only in spirit to me, and my bio mom simply cannot exist for me in the capacities that I wish she would... I have to learn how to live with this pain without letting it ravage my body, heart, and soul any more than it already has. I've already lost so many years of my life to the dysfunction of living in a metaphorical house with shattered glass everywhere.

...In every conversation that I have with my [Mother], I always feel the overwhelming need to turn to my bio mom and tell her all about my inner [Mother]. I continually imagine scenarios in which I am passionately telling my mom that my [Mother], my guardian angel, has been watching over me for my entire life. I want my mom to know that the monster that [Mother] protected me from day in and day out was her... because my mom was the reason that I wanted to run away and "walk the streets", or simply go to sleep one night and never wake up. I want to tell her so much about myself and my life... but I wonder why I wish to do this... Why do I want to overshare with a mom who is so uninvolved in the lives of her two children (my brother and I) that she knows nothing of the precious moments and turbulent times we have both experienced in the ten years we have been away from home... The woman who was cowardly enough to abuse both of her small children until they ultimately left the home... Why do I care so much to tell her things that are none of her business?

...Perhaps it is because I yearn for the inherent bond that should have existed between my mom and I. The one that unfortunately only ever somewhat existed in my imagination... This woman known as my bio mom, has sadly never known me in a way that really mattered. When I was six years old and still playing dolls on the playground, she had it in her mind that I was trying to date every boy I came into contact with. She isolated me from boys and eventually everyone who was not approved by her. She even went so far as to beat my legs with a belt at the age of six because I rolled up my ankle-length skirt a little bit to look shorter like the other girls who went to my school... all the while, she was being promiscuous and cheating on my father with online boyfriends... she held me to standards that she herself would not follow, and she took visible pleasure in physically and psychologically abusing my little brother and I... It makes me want to hate her so deeply... but that's not how my inner [Mother] raised me to be... she knows what I have been through and encourages me to show myself and others love and compassion, despite everything... in the same breath, however, she also encourages me to release my death-grip on my fury and hatred. Acording to my [Mother], holding onto the hot coal that was once used to singe and burn me will only result in me burning other people I come into contact with and eventually engulfing my entire person in flames, reducing me to nothing but ashes... According to [Mother], learning to let go and "forgive" will set me free... and I know that "forgive" is a very loaded word. In this context, I use the word forgive to mean that I forgive myself, but also that I forgive my mom in some fashion... It is not to excuse her damaged soul, but to acknowledge that, even in being abusive, she still did try her best in many ways... to forgive is for me to remember that my mom is also a human being and remember that human beings are nuanced creations that cannot be completely or fully understood, even by the person themselves.

[Mother] reminds me that it is okay to experience my emotions, no matter what they are. I am allowed to experience sorrow and mourning, I am allowed to feel righteous anger, and I am even allowed to love my mom sometimes, even if it seems antithetical to how she raised me and my brother. But I cannot hold these feelings in and allow them to destroy me from the inside. In the end, I must remember that I have come from bad circumstances, but in the end, what I do with my life henceforth is up to me. My mom blamed everyone around her for why she was abusive, during the rare occasions when she owned up to what she did... it would be so easy for me to do the same. Part of me really does want to do the same sometimes... but no... if my [Mother] would not behave in such a manner, then neither will I. It sounds cheesy, but I think the only way for me to really "win" this game is to live my life better than my mom ever did. I will not allow for myself to further perpetuate this generational curse. I will do my [Mother], my brothers, ancestors, and my current family members justice by affirming that this ends with me... And if I should ever bear children of my own or decide to adopt, I will try to give them the best childhood that I can instead of trying to rob them of their childhoods to try and have a pseudo-childhood of my own, like my mother did to me.

If no one else has told you this today, want you to know that you are loved and valued so very much. Remember the treasure that you are, and know that you are a miracle in every sense of the word. Rest easy and take care of yourself, love.