~ I love you ~

Recently, I've been delving more and more into YouTube essay videos. The videos are wonderfully mind-opening for me in the sense that they make me think about things a little deeper than I might have thought of them organically. It feels like a great use of some of my time, and it's encouraging me to spend less time plugging my ears and distracting myself. I feel like I'm doing more these days than I have in the past, and that's such a blessing. I'm also noticing more than I have in awhile regarding my surroundings. Usually I'm too plugged in to actually feel like I'm a part of the world around me, but things feel a little different these days.

Right now I'm thinking a lot about overconsumption and the role that I play in that. I saw a video someone made on YouTube about quitting Spotify using an mp3 player. It was an important video for me to watch because it reminded me that there are avenues to listening to music ad-free, but it also reminded me of the fact that I sure do shop for shiny new things a lot, and from Amazon too... I'm making a large footprint on the environment with everything that I purchase. Sure, it's not as big a footprint as big corporations that dump their electronic and other waste into the ocean, but it still makes a difference. My money is how I vote for what is valuable and important to me, whether I want to admit that or not. How else do you think companies and corporations are able to convince politicians to work in their interests? That money has to come from somewhere. It's not all from me, but I'm still part of the problem if I'm helping to fund these companies and private interests, whether directly or indirectly. The person making the video was right that I have a CHOICE in where I shop. No one is holding a weapon to my head and telling me I can only buy brand new from Amazon, for example. I have the choice to opt for Amazon, eBay, Thriftbooks, and several other places in person or on the internet. I also have the choice to buy second-hand items to help reduce my carbon footprint. And you can find some great gems when shopping second-hand too, like old iPods for your music collections and such. They still work and the planned obsolescence with them seems to be less intense than it is with current electronics. All I'm saying is that there are decisions I can make... and, for what it's worth, I always did like second-hand items. I get lazy with wanting shipping speeds to be faster, but in all actuality, waiting might not be a terrible thing. It would encourage me to THINK before purchasing, especially since second-hand purchases usually are harder to return for a refund. It could help me to stop shopping as much.

I'm also thinking about how important it is to keep important and personal thoughts to myself instead of putting everything out there for the world to see. Of course, I'm sharing some things on Dreamwidth and with friends, but in my everyday life, I'm embarrassed to say that I'm a bit of a blabbermouth. I don't like that about myself, but it's hard to NOT share things as they happen. I just get so excited sometimes! But then, I think an important part of letting that joy stay alive is NOT making myself vulnerable to hateful comments and thoughts from others. Even if it's not hateful but tone-deaf, comments can kill my enthusiasm, so I think it's important to protect my peace by SHUSHING MY MOUTH. It's not a mean thing towards myself, just a thoughtful tactic.

[Periodically I will drop my thoughts into a Discord server and it will be noteworthy enough for me to post elsewhere. This is one of those posts, which will be marked on here as "Discord Post" just for my own reference.]

I spoke to my therapist again this afternoon and we reviewed our previous therapy session where I was getting super angry. We did some EMDR using the tapping technique to explore where this anger was coming from. After some rounds of me tapping my legs and shoulders, we came to the realization that I was stressing primarily over having to tell my mom about my impending name change. I wasn't planning on telling her anything until after the ink on the official paperwork has dried completely, but it's still been something that's been on my mind heavily. We explored this letter writing further and realized that this was putting undue stress on me because I was going to use the letter I was writing to my mom to explain my name change to her. My therapist helped me to realize that based upon what I was describing to her about the contents of two failed letters I had attempted to write to her and my plans at a third attempt at a letter.

We talked more and I realized something I overlooked: "I owe her no explanations, or anyone else for that matter." I hardly even want to inform her of this change. After all, she's hardly present at all in my life, save for the occasional text. My only motivations behind wanting to do this are because of some flimsy feeling of obligation and because I secretly want to piss her off as a part of me rebelling against her wishes for me. My anger makes me want to be chaotic in nature, which is why I've been itching to kick the beehive as hard as I can. But it's not worth it if it comes at the cost of my mental health and peace of mind. So when the time comes, I'm giving myself the optional choice of telling my mom or not telling her. After all, she doesn't pay my bills or provide for me in any way.

If I tell my mom, I will be doing so in a short and to-the-point manner. If she has questions, I'll allow her to stew in them because, again, I owe her no explanations whatsoever. She couldn't be bothered to get to know who I was when I was living under her roof, so she doesn't get the opportunity to get to know me on the rest of my journey to becoming 30 years old. And along with that, I will also be laying down strict ground rules for boundaries I will be setting with my mom. While I cannot control the actions of my mom, I can control my own actions with boundaries I set in place. For example: I can't make my mom respect my identity, but if she refuses to respect my identity, I give myself the full right to walk away from further communications with her. And if I don't tell my mom, then I simply don't stress myself out with the problem any further and move on. Easier said than done, I know, but I at least wish to make an honest attempt.

- - - - - - -

Today I got a much needed full-body massage and it was SO good. Apparently my entire body was tense and the masseuse recommended that I get a deep tissue massage next time due to the amount of tension that my body was exhibiting. I even got cupping done to try and draw the tension out of my muscles, and while it all helped, I still feel some residual stress in my body. I asked the masseuse for additional tips on how to lessen the stress and tension in my body, and she told me that staying hydrated, stretching, meditation, and breathing could really help. So, in conjunction with getting massages maybe once a month, I'm also going to try incorporating meditation, deep breathing exercises, and stretches (at minimum) to my daily activities. I just need to remember to take it slow and not hold myself to high or impossible standards at this time. After all, I don't want to get frustrated and quit trying, as I have many times in the past.

During the massage, I did not force myself to speak the entire time, and instead I focused primarily on the massage and body tension while occasionally making light conversation. It was very effective to be so mindful of my body, the scents in the room, the physical sensations of getting a massage, and listening to my own thoughts. While listening to my own thoughts, I was able to hear my Mother part speaking to me through my thoughts. She was imparting some wisdom on me that I could carry with me into the rest of the week and ponder on. Even if I cannot recall everything she said to me right now, she at least planted some seeds of thought in my brain for me to return to at a later time if and when necessary. By continuing to ponder on these topics, I nurture the "seeds" planted in my brain and help them to blossom and eventually turn into a tree of neural networks that are like new highways in my brain. These so-called "highways" can replace toxic detours that were previously established in my brain.

The thoughts that were brought up during the massage included thoughts such as:

• Do not cling to that which harms you. Release it until you are no longer holding onto it.
• Sometimes the best solutions are also the simplest solutions. You needn't overcomplicate things.
• We all have choices that we must make in this life. Your mom's choices are her own, as are your own. So what do you choose to do in this situation? It's all up to you.

- - - - - - -

Finally, I gave myself some permission to dress feminine today. I've been uncomfortably dressing more masculine in an attempt to feel "valid enough" to be considered transgender or non-binary. Because of all the negativity that exists out there regarding those who are gender non-conforming or fall under the transgender umbrella, I have been having difficulty just letting myself exist comfortably. Instead, I've been trying to seek external validation by stuffing myself into a tight box, and that's not right. That's probably part of why I was feeling so angry as well; because I felt the need to present with my perceptions of masculinity, many of which are toxic and aggressive in nature. I let the masculine energy take over and pushed the feminine energy away, along with the median that exists between the two of them.

Thankfully, we all have to run out of steam sometime, and once that happened for my masculine side, I was able to start doing some damage control last week to try and balance our energies again. It made a stark difference at work and in my daily functionings. I can now focus a bit easier, my body is not tensed so terribly as it was before, and I can be more present in the moment than before. My body is still spiritually sore from all of the harm it has internally inflicted upon itself recently, but I'm trying to work with other parts together in order to bring healing to our body and soul. It involves some energy and elemental work, and it will take time, but it will be worth it in the long run.

To wrap up this section of the entry, I'm hoping that this healing will allow for our gender expression to mellow out a bit into something more comfortable for all of us, even if that means us flowing between different presentations of feminine, androgynous, and masculine as feels appropriate for that day or situation. And, along with that, hopefully expressing ourselves more freely will also bring additional healing to us all.

- - - - - - -

That's all for today. Thank you for listening.

Before I went to bed, I wrote her an email exploring what was happening in my head with my parts. I ended up writing a little over five pages in total. There was certainly a lot to say and get off my chest. I'm really grateful that my therapist is here for me and that she hasn't given up on me at this point. I really do feel like I'm going through a lot right now, and I feel very insecure about a lot of things, so having her on my side makes me feel less out of control and like I need to berate myself for having these very natural reactions to unnatural situations. I also spoke with my supervisors today about the conflicts I've been having at work, and it helped to talk about it with them too. I feel a little more capable at my job now and a bit more supported by management, all things considered. Basically, I feel less trapped... maybe I won't be in as much of a rush to leave after all.

In other news, I'm tapping further into my more spiritual side these days. Yesterday, I bought some houseplants that I will be using to keep the energy and air in my room clean. I've also been being more mindful in the bath these days, and doing so really helps me to relax. I really do hate being in a rush to get things done. It makes me feel so much more stressed than I reasonably need to be. Furthermore, I've discovered a way to engage in what is known as "Forest Bathing", and that is by getting myself a membership and unlimited parking pass to one of my local regional parks. I intend to visit the park throughout the year and perhaps even weekly when I need to be in a nature setting. I can bring books with me to read, if I so choose, but I need to be exposed to sunlight and fresh air regularly. This business of being indoors all of the time absolutely needs to stop. The only time it is valid is if the temperatures outside are unbearable and I cannot breathe. Otherwise, I'm missing out on a lot of vitamins and natural beauty by staying inside all of the time.

By the way, I wanted to talk about my type of journaling on Dreamwidth. I speak on here of the daily ongoings and thoughts in my life, but there is so much more that I wish I could share with others who are willing to listen. I want to share more ideas with regards to my beliefs on "God" and a lot more. I feel like speaking my mind about these topics would help me to further develop them and cement them as stronger beliefs in my brain. By not using my voice, I am further stunting my personal growth. Before coming to the computer to write this entry, I had a thought. I wondered to myself:


That's something I want to ponder on a bit more, because the thought is right. I shouldn't wait for invitations to speak my mind. Giving other people that amount of control over me is me just asking to be silenced and impede my own self-expression.

One more thought I would like to share before I log off is that I'm understanding better these days what it means to actually be a person. It's not all about reading psychology books and trying to understand human beings from a sanitized clinical perspective. Rather, it's about being well-rounded in a lot of ways. I can support my intellect through more academic and non-fiction reading, yes, but there's more to life than just trying to understand how other human beings operate. A large part of it, at least in my own case, should be about consuming and outputting that which sparks joy within you. To partake in the act of creation is human, but also part of our connection with the Divine, if we should happen to believe in that. Consumption, as well, is necessary in order to be able to create. We are but vessels for the information that we take in. We may interpret it to become something different in the long run, but ideas do not simply come from nowhere. I cannot think of a color if I have never before seen it. Our brains are limited in that way... but that being said, our brains can create beauty from an amalgamation of all we have observed and consumed in our lives. That's why it's so very important that we remember to take in the consumption of art. I don't mean buying new flashy clothes, but really consuming material and meditating on it. That's where things like fiction, poetry, painting, drawing, needlework, yarn crafting, and so much more would come into play. We need to have that balance if we are to live full and enriched lives... or, at least, that's what I need.

The last paragraph is a condensed taste of what I wish I would say and express more often. Perhaps I can elaborate on such things more often. Thank you for listening.

"Secrets keep you sick." This is something that I have known to be true for myself for the past several years now, and yet secrets I have continued to keep until now. I would keep secret my true feelings and my true identity from friends and work associates for a majority of my life until very recently, despite having this knowledge. Perhaps I just was not ready to be truthful with myself and others at the time, but as of recently, something within has changed. Now instead of being quiet and meek, I am beginning to tear down the barriers within myself to authenticity. That means that I am no longer hiding behind the mask of having no discernible personality traits that belong solely to myself, but rather developing my own sense of Self that feels like it's authentically my own.

I wonder if these changes are being brought upon by my brain's development. They say that your brain completely develops in your mid-twenties, so perhaps this is the case with me. I have said this before, but these days I feel more present and "awake" than I have been in my entire life. Much of my life prior to this point feel like a fog that I have distanced and dissociated myself from. The further back you go, the more dreamlike and unreal the past feels. It's unfortunate, but I shall not mourn for too long over these fading pictures in my mind. Not when there is still so much life I've yet to live.

As I prepare to enter my 28th year of life, I've decided upon the fact that I have been stagnant for far too long. I wish to be more adventurous this upcoming year, and for me that means going out of my way to try new things. I want to be able to explore more of the following things with reckless abandon:

• Movies that I have never seen (Documentaries, Animated movies, Indie films, Mainstream movies, etc.)
• Music by artists that I haven't heard before AND music in different languages
• Music genres that I haven't explored in a long time or ever
• TV Shows that I've yet to see that I have wanted to explore
• Manga of the "18+" variety AND manga I haven't read in general
• Books that are adult fiction, poetry, mystery, thrillers, etc.
• Tasting and cooking foods that I haven't tried in the past
• Drawing more artwork in an experimental sort of way
• Writing in different genres of writing and finishing short projects (poetry, fiction, non-fiction, etc.)
• Creating paintings for fun
• Crocheting and finishing at least one project

I want to learn and create so much, now that it feels like i'm finally alive and present for my own life. I want to make this a life worth living, but in order to do that, I first need to start living. These are small steps I can start taking to start living my life the way that I want to... The fact that I have a way that I want to live my own life is astonishing as well. I never used to want for anything before and simply blew with the wind, but not anymore. I feel like an actual person now. What a blessing, truly.

Here is to life!

Over the past week, I've been taking a really hard look at my body and my personality and how I present myself to the world. The other day, though, I came across a video essay on YouTube basically going over how social media can sometimes cause people to live their lives as if they are characters putting on a performance. That made me stop and seriously start thinking about why I'm always chasing something. I've chased aesthetics for a very long time, but especially since I have started using social media. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. This, in turn, has led to a lot of financially unwise decisions on my part... but even with that in mind, I still couldn't stop myself from chasing more things; more stuff. All the while, I was trying to fill some kind of unmet need in my soul that couldn't be met with simple belongings. No, what I'm actually chasing has to come from within, and even then, is what I'm chasing after actually realistic?

I seem to have fallen into the trap of consumerism on my never-ending quest to achieve "True Happiness". Social media and media in general perpetuate the idea that you need to have certain belongings or perform certain tasks in order to live a truly fulfilling life. That's most certainly not the case, though, as much as I would like to believe that it is the truth... It's actually a lot like my obsession with religion. In trying to find true fulfillment, I have been chasing religions left and right trying to find a place for myself to call home. Coming from a background of extensive religious trauma, it only makes sense that my perception of religion bringing me true fulfillment and happiness would have been askew and unrealistic. But really, while religion and spirituality can help, they aren't the ONLY thing that can make someone feel like their life has any meaning or purpose.

And another thing that I am trying to learn is: YOU DO NOT NEED TO HAVE A BUNCH OF THINGS IN ORDER TO CONNECT TO A HIGHER POWER. I feel a little silly for still struggling to make that click in my own head, but it's the truth. My perception of God does not come from any church or religious leader, truth be told. At the end of the day, my truest sense of God has always come from within. My sense of God whispers introspective clarity into my ears (not literally) and has been the inner presence that has been holding my hand ever since I was a young child going through abusive situations. My God is simply called "Mother". Always has been and always will be. And in order to connect with her, it didn't cost me a single cent; not one penny. She has been a presence in my life from the very beginning and she did not come from any religious book or any sort of ritual... and despite knowing that, I have still bought an absurd amount of religious books trying to "find God." GOD WAS ALWAYS HERE WITH ME, but because it wasn't a popular and socially accepted sort of God, I felt that my Mother wasn't valid enough to be God's presence. That's why I've been chasing after superficial things to find God...

In much the same way, I've been looking at my own life in comparison to the picture-perfect depictions I see on social media and in movies and television. When you compare to airbrushed and "perfect" depictions of people as characters, you naturally get the urge to want to imitate those sorts of things... especially if growing up, you were very poorly socialized with other people of your own age group. Media was all that I had. I didn't know any better about how to be a "normal" person in this modern world.

Thanks to my financial situation still being what it is, I'm now forced to take a closer look at myself in the mirror and ask myself about what is truly necessary in my life and what is not. Do I really need this or can I go without it? How will my life be impacted if I go without this or that for awhile? I hate being in this place financially, but it truly is an eye-opener for me and is helping me to remember exactly what matters in life. It's humbling for sure, and it's helping me to realize that maybe the things I do daily are enough to qualify me as a normal person... and maybe being a normal person instead of someone who goes along with trends and tries to fit into an aesthetic is good enough. Maybe it's actually MORE than good enough because it is authentic.

I shouldn't feel like I have to live a life that is performative, because at the end of the day, who would I truly be performing for? Is it for myself? Society? An imaginary audience? Who??? ...They say that the first step to escaping a prison is first recognizing that the bars are there. That's why I do so much inner reflection and thinking all of the time. I don't know what the end-goal is of trying to liberate myself from my own mental prison, but it feels much better than being complacent in a system that is purposefully taking advantage of me in every way that it can. Maybe that's just my inner rebel talking, but I think she makes some really good points.

By the way, happiness is not something that you can squeeze in a vice grip and keep forever. That is simply not how the real world works, no matter how much you try to romanticize life or make things as picture perfect as you can. There will always be good times and bad times in life. What matters is what you make of it, no matter what your current situation happens to be. I really hope that this reflection sticks in my head, because I think it's a pretty profound one for me. Today has been a day of stupendous mental growth for me, both online and through private conversations with friends... I think I'd like more of this in my life. It's not something I can exactly manufacture or contrive, but I can try to make more opportunities for realizations like this to happen naturalistically. The key to that? Simple: It's living an authentic life.