~ I love you ~

This week, I went out and bought myself a composition notebook with a cute hand-sewn cover from a small store in town. It looks bright and full of life, so I thought it would make a wonderful book for me to begin writing letters to Miinky (with "Miinky" being a placeholder for my legal name). Something about writing letters to her is cathartic and healing. I write personal letters to Miinky and add song lyrics to other pages in the notebook as well. It's a book in memory of her that focuses on where I'm currently at as well as where I've been.

It might sound a bit silly, but sometimes I imagine that I'm able to retroactively send my words of encouragement and support to the Miinky of the past, as if to help comfort and heal her in a way that I wish someone could have back then. I wish that I could go back in time as a double of myself and hug Miinky, letting her know that she's going to live and that it's all going to be alright. But then, that's what the notebook I got is for.

I hope she knows that I love her dearly.

Well, it has come to my attention over the weekend that my mental health issues have not been the fault of my medications, but rather they have been the fault of discord within my system. I suppose that would make the most sense considering that my medications haven't caused me to feel this badly or out of control before... still, I guess I was just amazed at how "out-of-whack" I was feeling for seemingly no reason at all. But then, trauma will sneak up on you like that from time to time.

Now that I know the source of these issues I've been dealing with, I think it would be a good time for me to create a battle plan to address what I've been dealing with. Adjustments and repairs desperately need to be made to the metaphoric foundations of my everyday living and functioning. I've been neglecting the foundations of my own physical health and mental health, so it's no wonder that now the foundation feels shaky and like it could collapse at any moment. But knowing and naming the issue is half of the battle. The other half is planning and executing the created plan.

As a note to myself, I need to remember to look up the following things:
- Grounding techniques
- Grounding/Self-care toolbox
- Weekly self-care maintenance ideas
- Safety plan template
- Distress tolerance skills
- Emotional regulation skills
- Mindfulness practices

How I miss the childhood wonder that I once used to possess. Today, I was listening to a sample of an audiobook where the author details how she was able to remember a simple memory from when she was two years old. It was a memory if the author looking up past the leaves of a tree in her grandmother's front yard and watching the sunlight stream down through the gaps in the leaves. From there, she went on to describe other things, such as always being in the sunlight during the summer and doing things such as making mud-pies and mud-cookies as she played during her childhood.

These are simple memories that many of us are certain to relate to in one form or another. When I think of making mudpies in my childhood, I also remember trying to make "potions" with leaves, sticks, mud, and water. Even though I know it was all just a game of pretend, I still have fond memories of such things and try to include them in my adulthood activities to this day. Perhaps I am not making mudpies, but I am making things like food, which takes the same kind of effort and thoughtfulness. I am also thinking about how, in that simple childhood way of interacting with the world through sunlight and getting our hands dirty, we were engaging in a sort of nature-esque therapy. There's this thing I've heard of called Forest Bathing, and I think that, in our childish ways, we were possibly engaging in that. No wonder we may have been able to feel so at peace when being away from home.

Now, as an adult, I find myself leaving my home only to shelter myself within closed buildings. Even the library doesn't feel so magical because of the lack of windows I seem to be sitting near on any given visit, not to mention the lack of fresh air that you can only get from being directly outdoors or having a window open. Something is sorely lacking in my world, and I think it's my interaction with nature in its rawest form.

As my origin story era begins to come to a close (I turn 30 in three years), I realize that I would like to use this time to contribute to my own growth so that the rest of my life might feel a bit more whimsical in comparison to the many years I have spent cooped up indoors. I want to spend time outside, visit friends, make good use of my time. I'd also like to do activities that increase my level of responsibility and confidence. I'm going to be a social worker soon, and I'll need some additional confidence if I'm going to make it out here. My thing is that I've never once allowed myself to have faith in myself because of traumatic circumstances at age thirteen that left me always second-guessing myself. But It's been fourteen years since then. I have to move on somehow.

I guess this post is one way of me telling myself that I should keep trying to find joy and peace in my everyday life. It's not an easy feat, especially because I come from a traumatic background, but it is still achievable. I just need to keep discovering ways that I'd like to live in this "New Normal" of a life that I have been living for the past twenty-seven years.

Today I had to get some important tasks done, including getting a TB test read for work and getting my COVID booster vaccine. I had a large gap of time in between getting my COVID booster and getting my TB test read. I decided to spend the first half of that time at the library and the second half at a local bookstore. At the library, I mostly just used the computer, but afterwards at the bookstore, I spent my time mindfully taking in the contents of the latest Bella Grace magazine, and I didn't even have to spend a penny to read it. I was halfway tempted to buy the copy of it for myself, but I have enough issues of that magazine on my bookshelf. I've told myself that I am forbidden from purchasing anymore until I finish reading the ones I currently have, and I think that's a very good bargain for my wallet.

Anyways, while I was reading the magazine that I'm talking about, I could feel myself getting pulled into each page, even though I was halfway skimming through it thanks to my delicate attention span, and I took down some of the journaling prompts within the magazine to do at home. I love that I was able to settle down today and actually read instead of just fantasizing about reading. It really does give me a sense of rest and comfort to read because it pulls me away into another world where I can simply exist and that can be enough. I can take up space and it's more than enough. I can love, live, and laugh to my heart's desire when I'm immersed within the pages of a book or magazine. I wish I would do it more often.

Anyways, now I'm back at the library until it closes in half an hour. I got this comic book by the name of Elle(s) and it's a really good read so far. I already read the first volume and now I'm on the second one, and it's fascinating to me because it's about a teenager who, I believe, has Dissociative Identity Disorder. It hasn't been outright mentioned as that in the series thus far, but because of how the character of Elle is portrayed, I think that's what they were going for. I hope to continue my "Mindfulness Saturday" by reading this book and finishing it too today.

Well, that's it from me for the moment. I hope you all have a good weekend!

Over the past week, I've been taking a really hard look at my body and my personality and how I present myself to the world. The other day, though, I came across a video essay on YouTube basically going over how social media can sometimes cause people to live their lives as if they are characters putting on a performance. That made me stop and seriously start thinking about why I'm always chasing something. I've chased aesthetics for a very long time, but especially since I have started using social media. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. This, in turn, has led to a lot of financially unwise decisions on my part... but even with that in mind, I still couldn't stop myself from chasing more things; more stuff. All the while, I was trying to fill some kind of unmet need in my soul that couldn't be met with simple belongings. No, what I'm actually chasing has to come from within, and even then, is what I'm chasing after actually realistic?

I seem to have fallen into the trap of consumerism on my never-ending quest to achieve "True Happiness". Social media and media in general perpetuate the idea that you need to have certain belongings or perform certain tasks in order to live a truly fulfilling life. That's most certainly not the case, though, as much as I would like to believe that it is the truth... It's actually a lot like my obsession with religion. In trying to find true fulfillment, I have been chasing religions left and right trying to find a place for myself to call home. Coming from a background of extensive religious trauma, it only makes sense that my perception of religion bringing me true fulfillment and happiness would have been askew and unrealistic. But really, while religion and spirituality can help, they aren't the ONLY thing that can make someone feel like their life has any meaning or purpose.

And another thing that I am trying to learn is: YOU DO NOT NEED TO HAVE A BUNCH OF THINGS IN ORDER TO CONNECT TO A HIGHER POWER. I feel a little silly for still struggling to make that click in my own head, but it's the truth. My perception of God does not come from any church or religious leader, truth be told. At the end of the day, my truest sense of God has always come from within. My sense of God whispers introspective clarity into my ears (not literally) and has been the inner presence that has been holding my hand ever since I was a young child going through abusive situations. My God is simply called "Mother". Always has been and always will be. And in order to connect with her, it didn't cost me a single cent; not one penny. She has been a presence in my life from the very beginning and she did not come from any religious book or any sort of ritual... and despite knowing that, I have still bought an absurd amount of religious books trying to "find God." GOD WAS ALWAYS HERE WITH ME, but because it wasn't a popular and socially accepted sort of God, I felt that my Mother wasn't valid enough to be God's presence. That's why I've been chasing after superficial things to find God...

In much the same way, I've been looking at my own life in comparison to the picture-perfect depictions I see on social media and in movies and television. When you compare to airbrushed and "perfect" depictions of people as characters, you naturally get the urge to want to imitate those sorts of things... especially if growing up, you were very poorly socialized with other people of your own age group. Media was all that I had. I didn't know any better about how to be a "normal" person in this modern world.

Thanks to my financial situation still being what it is, I'm now forced to take a closer look at myself in the mirror and ask myself about what is truly necessary in my life and what is not. Do I really need this or can I go without it? How will my life be impacted if I go without this or that for awhile? I hate being in this place financially, but it truly is an eye-opener for me and is helping me to remember exactly what matters in life. It's humbling for sure, and it's helping me to realize that maybe the things I do daily are enough to qualify me as a normal person... and maybe being a normal person instead of someone who goes along with trends and tries to fit into an aesthetic is good enough. Maybe it's actually MORE than good enough because it is authentic.

I shouldn't feel like I have to live a life that is performative, because at the end of the day, who would I truly be performing for? Is it for myself? Society? An imaginary audience? Who??? ...They say that the first step to escaping a prison is first recognizing that the bars are there. That's why I do so much inner reflection and thinking all of the time. I don't know what the end-goal is of trying to liberate myself from my own mental prison, but it feels much better than being complacent in a system that is purposefully taking advantage of me in every way that it can. Maybe that's just my inner rebel talking, but I think she makes some really good points.

By the way, happiness is not something that you can squeeze in a vice grip and keep forever. That is simply not how the real world works, no matter how much you try to romanticize life or make things as picture perfect as you can. There will always be good times and bad times in life. What matters is what you make of it, no matter what your current situation happens to be. I really hope that this reflection sticks in my head, because I think it's a pretty profound one for me. Today has been a day of stupendous mental growth for me, both online and through private conversations with friends... I think I'd like more of this in my life. It's not something I can exactly manufacture or contrive, but I can try to make more opportunities for realizations like this to happen naturalistically. The key to that? Simple: It's living an authentic life.

I feel like the cycle of my spirituality is coming full circle again, but not without purpose. Something to know about me is that I happen to bounce from one religion to another because that's just how my brain works. Normally when this happens, I end up running from the friends that I made for fear that they'll reject me for not believing exactly as they believe. It's a lie that my brain tells me on a regular basis. This time, though, I have a challenge for myself that I'd like to try.

When I separate myself from a certain way of thinking, I try to leave every single bit of it in the past, and eventually I end up partially forgetting core ideas that those beliefs once granted me. In essence, I'm dissociating from some of that previous information in order to fit into whatever the new mode of thinking I adopt is. So, the challenge that I have for myself this time around is called "Don't Run". In this challenge, instead of running from old friends or trying to hide core parts of who I am from them, I simply have to actively exist around them as my true self (in other words, challenge number two is "Just Be"). There's nothing saying that people of different beliefs or faiths cannot be friends with each other. Some people may hold that belief, and it that works for them, so be it... but that's not a rule that I have to follow myself, if I don't want to. The goal of this third challenge is to "Break Free" from old dysfunctional beliefs.

The outcome that I'm hoping for with these interventions is an outcome where I am able to integrate my perceptions and knowledge of the past and present together, rather than ending up at a place where I forget what it was like to believe in something different. In other words, I'm trying to gently combat my dissociation by facing my fears of rejection. With any luck, I'll keep my current friends and continue onward with them by my side. However, if I end up losing some friends along the way, then that's okay too. I will live, and although it may hurt, it's simply a part of living a life. People lose friends all of the time for a myriad of reasons. It doesn't mean I'm the worst person in the world, it just means that the time for that friendship or connection was up, and that's okay.

Facing this fear of rejection that I have isn't going to be easy, I already know that. But I would be remiss if I didn't at least attempt to face it. And the most important thing is that I won't be alone in facing it. I have some friends by my side, and I also will have a therapist on my side as well to help me process this... eventually. I'm currently in the process of transferring therapists as well as potentially adjusting my insurance. But I've done alright without a therapist in the past, so I'm sure I'll be alright moving forward, even if I don't have one that I can talk to weekly at this point. Besides, being without a therapist challenges me to be resourceful and resilient in my own right without having to lean too heavily on someone else for support. I notice with therapists sometimes that I'll hang onto an issue longer than necessary just so I can talk with them about it in graphic emotional detail. So when I have another therapist, I hope I can also challenge myself to "Let go" of what no longer serves me or needs to be dealt with prior to sessions. The goal of therapy, after all, is increased independence, not over-dependence.

To recap, I have a goal of: Integrating my beliefs and experiences into One.
To achieve this goal, I must: Not run (from friendships and connections), Just be myself, and break free from childhood lies.

Healing is not linear, but hopefully with time and practice, I can continue piecing together parts of my identity into one whole, as opposed to blending in like a chameleon.

Things on this journal have been pretty heavy lately, but right now, I wanted to take a break to reflect on my inner mothers for a moment.

My moms are really fantastic. They've taught me all that I know about spirituality and connectedness with the earth and the universe through my intuition. I understand that they are parts of me and, in a sense, I think maybe that's part of the point of their existence. They represent the Divine as I have come to understand it by way of me realizing that I work in partnership with the Divine every day of my life, as do other people. There's wise advice they have given me from within before, such as "All is one, and one is all" and "The answers you seek are within you." These are facts I have held to be true throughout my life, and it's really helped me to develop my perspective on everything and everyone that I've interacted with. Also, when my mothers are present, I can even look at the world with different eyes. My consciousness always remains (meaning no "amnesia blackouts") but when I see the world through their eyes, everything just looks and feels so much more different... It's like, I can see things and the colors will be more vibrant, or I'll look at mundane things and be in awe. I could look at the trees around me and just start to contemplate the journey that it took for all the trees to become what they are today. I could even look at a random animal as if I'm seeing it for the very first time and feel very moved by its existence through all of the years of evolution it took for that specific animal to come into existence at this point in time and in this particular location.

Moving on, though, I also get a lot of my spiritual stuff from my inner mothers too. Some of it may have been absorbed into my brain through various interactions I had throughout my life, but I didn't actively look into witchy sorts of information until I was in my mid-twenties. So I guess I find some of it interesting all the same. I knew how to make things like "spirit dolls" in my mid-teens, even though no one in my family did stuff like that, nor did my friends. At first, my intentions when making dolls like that weren't the nicest towards myself, but eventually I learned to use the dolls compassionately and use them to externally comfort myself for what I was going through during those years. I might make another one again one of these days for healing purposes. Hmm...

And then, I also knew of or learned ways that I could cleanse places I was in. I could do things like clap my hands, sing vocalizations without any lyrics (or with lyrics if I chose), burn incense, open windows, sweep rooms, and things of that nature to get negative or dormant energy to disperse. Then at some point I started to use sage too from time to time, so that's helpful too. Finally, I remember my moms helping me to get through difficult life events with gemstones. I remember on a particular family vacation I was suffering from debilitating anxiety because we were staying in a casino hotel (which I later learned was probably a severe trigger at the time), and I had this agate necklace on. Well, even long after the trip, anytime I would hold or touch that particular necklace's stone, I would feel that same anxiety again. I ended up cleansing it by putting it in a bowl of salt for 24 hours, and it definitely worked. So after that, I understood that energy transfer is definitely a real thing to be mindful of, plus it can be used to your advantage! You can get a stone or even a stuffed animal, for example, and just visualize yourself transferring a desired energy into the object of your choice. It's like charging something with your energy. Then it can maybe give you a better benefit when you come into contact with that object again. Sometimes I've done that with my cooking as well. If I'm in a good mood while I cook, the food tastes better and gives me happier vibes even days after I've been eating it for leftovers. Likewise, if I'm in a bad mood when I cook, the food isn't as good and the vibes I get from the food aren't good either.

There's so much more I could say about all of this stuff, but I think the most important thing is that I remember to tap into my magickal practices from time to time, both in good times and in bad. It will really help with attending to my spiritual health to do that.

Also, please enjoy the video I put at the top of the post. It's one of my favorite songs to listen to.