tuesday_morning | ✩ She's Here!! ✩

✩ Miss Motivation ✩

I usually do not go back to read older entries I have written, but for this one I have decided to briefly do so. I've been having a really rough go of my attention span lately, and now I believe I understand why that is. I have Bipolar II disorder, meaning that sometimes I have depressive episodes and sometimes I have hypomanic episodes, which are less intense and are shorter than manic episodes (which only occur in Bipolar I disorder). With my attention span, I believe it was aggravated by a hypomanic episode that I'm still currently in. I was trying so hard to focus on things and it wasn't working, making me feel frustrated and angry at myself. Well, then all of a sudden I started to clean my room... then my bathroom... then my closets... then the entire kitchen, including THOSE cabinets... and so forth. Basically, over the span of four days, I've been cleaning like a madwoman all in my house and my car might be next honestly. It felt like scratching an intense itch and afterwards I felt so accomplished and clean and like I could breathe in my surroundings again. I also may have spent a little more than I should have (it is a hypomanic episode after all) but it wasn't as bad as it could have been thankfully. Other notable events that have happened include:

✩ I got in contact with several other co-workers who also left my workplace and they're trying to put in words for me at their new jobs to help me leave.

✩ I contacted my dad again and wrote him two heartfelt letters, which I haven't done in awhile, though I've wanted to.

✩ I contacted two of my cousins again, whom I haven't talked to in years. I came out to them about my name change and why I did it, and they were both so supportive and loving about it. I was so scared they would hate me or maybe had a distaste for me anyways because of old family drama involving our parents, but no, I was wrong... and I'm glad I gave them the chance to prove themselves as still loving me instead of continuing to make assumptions and shut myself away.

✩ I've been fostering online friendships a bit more, which makes my heart smile.

✩ I've been learning how to make peace with my surroundings by working with the energy of my house to make it more habitable. I've started trying to respect my belongings more and take better care of them, getting rid of that which I no longer needed to give my living space some room. And I also opened windows and blinds to allow sunlight inside. Finally, I used room sprays and candles to clear the air a bit more too, and rang a tiny hand bell around the room to help "wake the room up".

✩ I spent almost five hours at the library the other day without using electronics and it was AMAZING. I felt so free in that moment.

✩ I'm taking inventory of all books I have, digital, physical, or library books. This is to make a reading list later on and choose one book at a time for consumption.

✩ I'm getting ready to explore the mindset of another part who has long since been silent with me. How blessed I am that she is letting me close enough to get to know her now.

As a result of all of the above, I feel different... and maybe it won't last forever, but in this point in time, I feel at peace... This is the calmest hypomanic episode I have ever had. I'm physically calm, breathing evenly, focused, and even able to meditate properly for two to three minutes at a time, which is usually impossible otherwise... I'm just so glad I'm doing things again. I wish I could let myself stay this motivated and productive for myself and my goals. It may not last forever, but maybe there is some way that I could help the motivation AND the actual taking of action to stay. Still figuring it out, but... in the meantime, it's all about being in the present and being mindful of everything that encompasses.