~ I love you ~

My HRT consultation is in three days. As you can imagine, I'm pretty excited about it, but I just realized something else too. So, sometimes I voluntarily attend a church that isn't affirming... I know, it's not too smart for me to do, but I do it anyways. Well, at this church, I made some friends about a year ago, and I joined a "Women's group" with them. Basically, in this group, we meet up at the group facilitator's home and have discussions out of an assigned Christian workbook. I dropped out the last time I was in the group because I got cold feet and was questioning my faith (because it can go all over the place). This year, however, I decided to join the group again... but this was before I decided I was going to start HRT. I was initially just going to get top surgery and have that be the extent of my transition as a non-binary person, but I changed my mind...

With a low-dose of testosterone and some vocal training, I'm going to try to deepen my voice, but there's a high possibility that I will also get other effects from taking T, such as increased body hair and more masculine facial features. It's not going to be as easy to hide or explain away to my Christian friends, and that worries me. I still want to be a part of the group I'm in, but once they know that something is different about me, I don't know how they're going to react. Will they be upset? Will they pity me and try to convince me to stop taking T? I don't know... but I don't think the reception is going to be good in either case. These friends are all much older than me (in their 50's and 60's), but they're still very loving friends all the same... I just wonder what the reaction is going to be. Will I still be welcome at their table, even if I am outwardly gender non-conforming?

...Part of me wonders if I should just break the news to the group leader now instead of trying to be "stealth" with this for as long as I can. At least then I could save myself some heartache, even though I'll still likely find disappointment... I think I just need to rip the band-aid off and say something. Thankfully I live in a pretty liberal area, compared to some other places, so I'm not fearing for my physical safety. But yeah... ironically, the name of the book we are working out of this season is "Living With God's Courage"... I think I need courage to say what I need to say. It's going to give me some anxiety, but then, if I want to be courageous, I can say what I need to say even if my voice shakes.

I'm just not looking forward to potentially losing some friends... but thankfully they are not my only friends. I also have pagan and witchy friends that I can turn to who I know will accept me. I feel like I'm living a double sort of life anyways, keeping my witchy friends a secret from my Christian friends, so if I lose my Christian friends, then maybe it would be for the best anyways... but if not, then that would be okay too. I'm just bracing myself here, don't mind me.