~ I love you ~

Today I took part in one of several trainings I'm supposed to be taking for the next five weeks, and I think I did excellent. I'm being re-trained along with several other co-workers on how to manage interactions effectively with the residents at the facility that I work at, and I think we all did a pretty good job. I feel more and more confident with each training that I do, honestly, but I especially feel more confident after making some really deep realizations within the past week.

This past week, I reached out to the agency that I intern at and asked to start receiving some services myself. It doesn't pose any conflicts of interest, so they agreed, and I should be hearing back from one of the program managers again regarding my case. But ever since I talked to the woman who did my intake about what happened to me, I've been acting different. The side of me that I mostly present to the world is soft and kind, and the other side that I hide away is rougher around the edges. The "rougher" side of me has come out and been out for about a week now, and during this time of having her out, I've been watching and studying her in my own way. It's always hard when she comes out because all of a sudden I want to start smoking or vaping, I drink larger amounts of water than usual, and my patience is much shorter. These are all common trauma reactions, so I'm not hating on her for that, but I often have felt afraid of her throughout my life, hence why I keep her hidden away in the back of my mind. But now that I've opened Pandora's Box by speaking about my trauma as a reality once more, I think it's time for me to finally face myself and work with her towards healing. I'm not trying to fix her into becoming softer because that's not who she is, but I am trying to help her have more patience by lending her some of my own (as the softer side).

This "two sides" business reminds me of my inner moms. In fact, that's entirely the dynamic that is happening here. Both parts are literally me, just polarized. My Mother is the wise, kind, and gentle part that reminds me of the sun. My inner Mama Bear, on the other hand, reminds me of the moon ans is tough, gives straightforward advice and cuts right to the chase with her thoughts instead of beating around the bush or cowering. And then there's me. I'm the star who joins them both together into one person. I have qualities of both moms and I wouldn't dream of getting rid of one or the other. I need them both and I love them both so much... that's why I feel emboldened in this moment to try and heal the broken parts of myself so that I can finally achieve my goal of growing into becoming just like both of my moms combined. In order to heal my broken parts, I just realized that there are some things I'll need to be stopping or getting rid of. Without going into any details, they are self-harmful behaviors and behavioral addictions. For years now, I didn't want to give any of it up because I was being willful about it for reasons I'm sure I'll explore further in therapy. But what I realized yesterday is that whenever I give into those behaviors, I'm reinforcing harmful messages that were designed to keep me trapped in cycles of dysfunction. The only way to be truly free of the dysfunction I was raised to believe was something I deserved, I know I'll need to start breaking the chains of each dysfunctional behavior that I engage in, whether it is an active or passive action.

Now that I've realized this and voiced my intent into existence, I feel so much calmer and less burdened. I think that's why today I feel especially relaxed. It also helped that I drove around town with my windows down in lieu of my car's A/C system blowing. It felt so nice. I felt the sunshine on my skin so much better, I got fresh air, and I felt inspired enough to voluntarily not plug my ears with music like I always do. Right now I'm just listening to the sounds around me and I'm enjoying it very much. I'd love for this disconnected feeling from technology to continue. Maybe I can see about not using my phone for almost the rest of the day. I think that would be awesome.