~ I love you ~

I've been motivating myself for weeks now to be doing awesome stuff. I want to draw, read, exercise, make videos, sell stuff, and talk more often to my family members. So much to do! But ironically, I end up doing NONE of it because I overwhelm myself with it all. It feels like being surrounded by several TV programs at once, or like being served several types of DELICIOUS food. In both instances, there's a ton to choose from but you can only choose one at a time. This frustrates me so, in the end, I do nothing and default to sleeping. I wish I wouldn't sleep my life away and do nothing, so I'm switching gears to try and be better.

Today I made a master list of things I want to get done this week. Kept it basic and to the point. But I'm doing this thing as well where I'm using differently colored index cards and I'm elaborating more on each point more to be more specific about what I need to get done. Here's what I mean:

Master List:

1. Appointments (White Index: List all appointments for this week)
2. Exercise (Green Index: Research how to do exercises, create an exercise routine, Exercise for 30 min to 1 hr daily)
3. Goal Setting (Yellow Index: Create lists of financial / personal / mental health goals, Do spending tracking)
4. Reading (Blue Index: Read a book for 1 hour, list book in reading log)
5. Cooking (Pink Index: Take inventory of all my food, use SuperCook to find recipes, Practice cooking, Read about nutrition, Create a meal plan for the week using MyPlate method)
6. Communicate with Loved Ones (Purple Index: Text/Call [insert list of family members here])

The index cards help me to NOT put everything on the same paper, because when I do that, I get super overwhelmed. It's organized chaos now, and I feel more likely than ever to actually get stuff done. I've already done some tasks under the subsection of cooking, so who knows what else I could be doing?

This is all to say that I want to hold myself accountable and not give myself anymore excuses.

"Secrets keep you sick." This is something that I have known to be true for myself for the past several years now, and yet secrets I have continued to keep until now. I would keep secret my true feelings and my true identity from friends and work associates for a majority of my life until very recently, despite having this knowledge. Perhaps I just was not ready to be truthful with myself and others at the time, but as of recently, something within has changed. Now instead of being quiet and meek, I am beginning to tear down the barriers within myself to authenticity. That means that I am no longer hiding behind the mask of having no discernible personality traits that belong solely to myself, but rather developing my own sense of Self that feels like it's authentically my own.

I wonder if these changes are being brought upon by my brain's development. They say that your brain completely develops in your mid-twenties, so perhaps this is the case with me. I have said this before, but these days I feel more present and "awake" than I have been in my entire life. Much of my life prior to this point feel like a fog that I have distanced and dissociated myself from. The further back you go, the more dreamlike and unreal the past feels. It's unfortunate, but I shall not mourn for too long over these fading pictures in my mind. Not when there is still so much life I've yet to live.

As I prepare to enter my 28th year of life, I've decided upon the fact that I have been stagnant for far too long. I wish to be more adventurous this upcoming year, and for me that means going out of my way to try new things. I want to be able to explore more of the following things with reckless abandon:

• Movies that I have never seen (Documentaries, Animated movies, Indie films, Mainstream movies, etc.)
• Music by artists that I haven't heard before AND music in different languages
• Music genres that I haven't explored in a long time or ever
• TV Shows that I've yet to see that I have wanted to explore
• Manga of the "18+" variety AND manga I haven't read in general
• Books that are adult fiction, poetry, mystery, thrillers, etc.
• Tasting and cooking foods that I haven't tried in the past
• Drawing more artwork in an experimental sort of way
• Writing in different genres of writing and finishing short projects (poetry, fiction, non-fiction, etc.)
• Creating paintings for fun
• Crocheting and finishing at least one project

I want to learn and create so much, now that it feels like i'm finally alive and present for my own life. I want to make this a life worth living, but in order to do that, I first need to start living. These are small steps I can start taking to start living my life the way that I want to... The fact that I have a way that I want to live my own life is astonishing as well. I never used to want for anything before and simply blew with the wind, but not anymore. I feel like an actual person now. What a blessing, truly.

Here is to life!

I was going through some of my older posts here on Dreamwidth and I made a realization. I do a lot of goal-setting and writing about how I want things to change, but when it comes to actually making change happen, that's another story. It's not that I'm not motivated, but more that there's too many goals to focus on at once for me. It overwhelms me and, in the flurry of all these ideas, I end up losing sight of half the goals I wanted to achieve. It's a bit annoying, in all honesty, but I think I've got a solution for this issue. I think what I need is a planner; perhaps a pen and paper planner that I can write entries in on the daily. I could write my overall goal for the week at the top, then for each day I can write a task list for ordinary things I do, but also include tasks that would help me to achieve the overall goal of the week.

I've never been able to keep a paper planner because I usually got the ones from the Dollar Tree, and those don't exactly have the most space to write in. Not only that, but I never had a plan on how to write entries in them. Hopefully this time will be different. I'm going to look at entry examples online and see if a paper planner would be best for me. If so, that's great. If not, however, I could try to do it digitally instead. I just want to give the paper version another chance because anything that helps me to separate from my phone overuse is worth trying.

A belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone I know here on Dreamwidth! This year sure has been something, for better or worse, but we all made it. That's something to celebrate.

This year, I lost a job but I also got new positions afterwards, so I'm grateful for that. I'm not homeless right now and I have food, so that's something else I want to be thankful for. Also, I have friends and family that have been here for me when times were the toughest. That's something that has helped me to see that I don't have to be doing life all on my own, like I've been trying to do this entire time. Maybe this upcoming year, I should spend more time paying everyone back for all they've done for me. As a matter of fact, I think I'm going to make a list of my goals for 2024.

MY GOALS FOR 2024

• Spend more time with my friends and family
• Finish a "Read What You Own" reading challenge
• Put away a good amount of money in savings
• Pay off my financial debts
• Graduate from graduate school to become a social worker
• Become more financially literate
• Learn to coordinate meals at home
• Become more assertive and less unsure of myself

What are some of your goals for 2024?

Yesterday I came to the realization that, due to different kinds of traumas I've gone through, I'm embarrassed to let other people know what I'm really like and who I really am, especially in offline spaces. Online, it's much easier because you have the cover of anonymity on your side... yet, even in that instance, there's a downside to only showing people what you want to show them. When people don't know the real you, you deprive yourself and others of the joy of getting to really know who you are.

For me, my biggest struggle comes from not being able to share what I'm truly passionate about with others, or even share what my true thoughts and feelings on some things are. Whenever people ask me even about small things like what my favorite shows and music are, I freeze up, not knowing how to answer. Surely, I can't tell them what my actual interests are, because when I do that, I feel naked and exposed. I feel like people will judge me or make fun of me if they get to know who I really am, either in front of me or behind my back. Living in a space where I'm always hiding is miserable. Someday, I want to live a life where I can be confident in who I am and not have to worry about what others think of me... but it's going to be a pretty tough battle on my part, especially if I try to do this alone.

If I really want to get to a place where people can know me, I think I'll need to let other people help me. Not just professionals, but friends. I shouldn't have to go through my life struggles alone, nor should anyone else. I think maybe practicing the art of friendship will be something that will really help me, but I hardly know where to start. I already have some friends, many of which are very loving and understanding, but I never know how to properly foster those friendships, except in online spaces. But maybe I'm thinking about this too hard. Maybe all I have to do is learn how to be myself and remember to help and support my friends when I can. Could it possibly be that simple?

Learning how to properly socialize is hard, but I think I can do it. I just have to try.

It's official! I secured an internship with a local hospice place! I placed some calls to different four different agencies last week and the first place I called accepted me. I had a good feeling about it when I was first on the phone with the woman who is in charge of internships with them. She had a very jovial and casual way of talking on the phone with me, plus she was already talking to me as if I had the position already, so that's what tipped me off. Anyways, I went in to talk to her in person today and confirmed that I got the spot. I thought it was going to be a more formal interview, but nope. She basically just gave me some paperwork to fill out for the position (for formality's sake) and then we spent the next half hour chatting away about social work-related topics. It was very informal, but I'm totally okay with that. She said that I could bring back the paperwork closer to when my internship start date would be, that they would do my TB test, and that I would be probably doing a one-on-one orientation with the MSW who would be supervising me.

I'm nothing short of excited. I was worried I wouldn't be able to get a position anywhere, but it looks like I was wrong and I'm going to be okay after all. Internship starts in January of 2024 and ends in August of 2024. I'm almost there! I just need to keep my eyes on the prize here. And apparently the hours with this place are incredibly flexible and can include weekends, so I'll be able to have a good work schedule as well as time to devote to my internship. It's a really good deal, all things considered.

Sending everyone hugs right now!

Hey everyone, it's Mii again! I'm making a new post to give an update on my "Bella Grace Reading Challenge" as well as a few other challenges that have come to mind for me recently.

With regards to the reading challenge I've created for myself, it's going pretty good so far. I've been carrying the Bella Grace magazine and the "Field Guide to Everyday Magic" magazine with me whenever I go outside, and whenever I get down time, I sit down to read the contents of the magazines. I then start to write reflections on what I read or on the journal prompts provided, and it's just an overall good time. Speaking of which, one of the magazine articles gave me a great idea! It was speaking about the therapist of one of the authors telling her to turn off her phone for three days for a phone detox. She wouldn't be allowed to use it at all, unless absolutely necessary, like for work or things like that. She was able to decrease her anxiety through having that three day sabbatical, and she was also able to notice a lot more about the world around her without her phone distracting her. I think that would be so cool, so I think I'm going to try doing the same.

I have an app on my phone that can lock other apps for a specified amount of time, and the only way to unlock the apps is to wait it out or pay a penalty in the form of actual money. And while this phone detox app locks other apps, it can also keep other apps unlocked as long as you select the specific apps prior to starting the phone detox challenges. I unlocked work apps and other really important apps like my clock app and calculator, but that's about it. I haven't started the challenge yet, but it's coming. I'm going to start with using it for 12 hours while I'm awake. Then I'll extend it to 24 hours. Then 48 hours. Then 72 hours. If all goes well, I'll try using it for a week long at some point. Could you imagine how much time I'd be saving and using for better things if I had a week without my phone (unless necessary)? I looked at the app and it tells me how much time I've been using on my phone overall. If you saw the amount of time I spend on my phone, I think you'd cry because of how much time I waste staying plugged in. It's really really bad. So I'm going to start doing these phone-free challenges.

Now, there's one more challenge I'm going to start once I get paid this week. I'm going to be doing what I call the "Low-Spend Challenge". In this challenge, I'll be spending my money ONLY on essentials, except for $5 a day that I can spend on anything that I wish. The money can accumulate if I don't spend it, and I can use the money for larger purchases. Over the course of a week, I would have $35 to spend. Over two weeks, I would have $70 to spend, rolling into the next paycheck. I'm doing this because I want to show myself how to live more frugally. Ideally, I wouldn't be spending ANY of this fun money, but I need to be realistic about this, and realistically speaking, I'll need to be taking baby steps. To prepare for this challenge, I'll need to do a spending audit to see where my money is usually going. As I am able to do this, I'll see where I should be more careful with my spending and places that I should be avoiding like the plague.

So Challenge 1: Bella Grace Reading Challenge, Challenge 2: Phone Detox Challenge, and Challenge 3: Low-Spend Challenge

This feels like a game where the reward is me feeling more fulfilled, having more time in my day, and having more money to spend on bills (which is a good thing). So yeah, I'll be doing all of this starting at the end of this week, if not a bit sooner. I'm excited, personally!