tuesday_morning | Entries tagged with religion

This past week has been filled with me learning more and more about myself each day. A lot of the material I'm revisiting isn't really new, but it is a new development that I'm combining all of the knowledge of who I am together. Suddenly, I don't feel so splintered and empty these days. I guess that's part of what happens once you start being more true to yourself, huh?

Yesterday, I spoke politics and religion with my younger brother, and it came to my awareness that I have strong opinions about capitalism, about the commodification of childhood and religious holidays, and the fact that children need down-time instead of being constantly barraged with having to do school work or be subjected to educational materials 24/7. I also got more clarification on what my religious beliefs are. I'm not entirely sure at this point, but it feels as though at heart I am agnostic yet spiritual.

I believe in the philosophies of Taoism, to over-simplify my own beliefs. It's more nuanced than that, but Taoism is a good starting point for me to recognize. To learn more about Taoism, you can read a translation of the "Tao Te Ching" by Lao Tzu. I've been reading a translation, and so far it all checks out to me in profound ways. For example, you cannot define the Tao, otherwise known as "the Way". As the translation I am reading says "Tao is both Named and Nameless. As Nameless, it is the origin of all things. As Named, it is the mother of all things." Taoism also acknowledges that opposites compliment each other and are necessary for the existence of each other. For example, there would not be light if not for dark.

I also subscribe to the belief of Interbeing. Formulated by Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh, the concept of interbeing refers to the interconnectedness of all things.

Then there comes the holds that Abrahamic religions have had on me for all my life. I've tried in vain to return to these religions, but it never ends up working out. As such, something that I really enjoy doing is deconstructing religions such as Christianity and Islam, because in doing so, I am engaging in critical thinking skills by asking "why" to even the most seemingly basic of concepts. This causes many arguments to crumble, even with my own research of different viewpoints.

Perhaps I am a spiritual agnostic. I believe in a God or perhaps a Universal Energy that our souls all return to after death, but I may never know the entire scope of the Creator, even if there is an afterlife. All I know is what I have experienced, and in my own experience, I have my own personal concepts of the Creator that keep my mind on track and my moral compass fine-tuned.

There's much more, still, that I am continuing to learn about myself and my interests too. I'm discovering new artists and new music from decades prior and even the present. It's amazing how artists and musicians can all put words and visuals to the things that I am experiencing or find interest in. The arts are what make me feel whole and human. The arts truly are what we live for, if you really consider it. But in any case, I just wanted to share this because getting to know myself more intimately in mind and soul makes me feel like my heart can soar above the clouds and into forever.

I'm so thankful that I've been able to find myself once again, perhaps for the first time ever in this strong of a capacity.

Continuing on from my previous entry, I wanted to talk a bit as well about my Jewish part, Rivka. For me, she signifies purity, curiosity, spirituality, and a fresh start.

Rivka's journey began after I left Islam but before I began to explore Christianity. I think it started around the time that I began to look into the Unitarian Universalist church. In those days, I was looking for a community to call home and friends where I could be completely accepted and loved for who I am. I was very carefree back then and felt so new to the world of religion outside of Islam. I have fond memories of the UU church and i made good friends that I still have today, but it felt like something was missing from the community that I was seeking, so I continued further in my search. Still, I definitely appreciated how open the UU church was to LGBTQ+ folks and the search for the truth that works for you.

The next religion I looked into was Reform Judaism. I remember my first evening attending my local synagogue. It was such a beautiful service. It reminded me of home, but still a bit different. Different doesn't necessarily mean "bad", though. I quite enjoyed it. It was during the High Holy Days, specifically during Sukkot. I remember being really interested in learning more about Judaism after that, especially considering that my mom was highly anti-semetic. I wanted to learn about Judaism from actual Jewish people, and to my surprise, I discovered a lot of beauty in the religion of Judaism that I haven't been able to exactly find in the same way in other traditions. After the High Holy Days wrapped up for the year, i contacted the rabbi of my local synagogue in order to begin studying Judaism with him. At the time, I really did want to convert to Judaism, but because of the existence of my other religious parts, that made settling on one singular religion basically impossible, so I never did end up converting, despite my best efforts to just choose one path. Still, I can feel a part of my soul that still yearns for the community and sense of extended family that exist within the Jewish community.

When I think about it, I still wish that I could enter the mikveh (a special body of water used for spiritual purposes) and celebrate my life transitions and other events through it. Something about the idea of being completely submerged in a natural body of water with specific spiritual intentions behind it makes me feel vulnerable to the Universal Energy that I call "G-d" and yet safe at the same time. I cannot use a traditional mikveh because I am not Jewish, however I still like to incorporate water into some of my spiritual practices all the same. I see water as a source of life... but getting back on topic, even without being Jewish or being able to use a mikveh, my soul still feels free when Rivka is present. That's because Rivka holds onto the recognition that my soul is free and belongs to no person.

Beautiful Rivka has not been inflicted by the lies that we internalized growing up; that we belong to someone. When I look at her using my inner eyes, I see a rainbow, a breeze brushing through the trees, and a dove flying freely on the breeze. Rivka isn't as "loud" as the other religious parts in my system are, in the sense that she's not trying to convert the entire system to her own religion, but her role in the system is still so very important. She reminds me and the others in our system that it is good and healthy to question things and to "wrestle with G-d". Certainly, we do not know everything there is to know about everything, and that is simply human nature. So there is no reason to tie yourself to a religion that feels it does not fit, if that is your own experience.

Rivka is very brave as well. She is not afraid of the afterlife, whatever it may be, and actually welcomes it. In asking her why she feels little fear around death, she reminds me that life is about living in the moment. Tomorrow will worry about tomorrow, but for now, we are tasked with being in the here and now and making the most of it to the best of our ability. Does that make sense? Not only that, but learning more about death, in her eyes, makes the experience seem a lot less daunting, because truly, fear is caused by the unknown. We fear that we are headed to one place or another after this life, or perhaps we worry that there will be no afterlife in the end at all. Regardless, it is all based on the uncertainty of it all, and I just think that if we learned more about death and the realities of it, we would be at least a little less afraid... but in any case, at the end of the day, I just hope that when my time comes, I will be able to leave this earth feeling little regret, if any at all. I just know that I want to have lived a life that was well-lived, not feel like I wasted my life living in fear of the day that we are all promised.

And that's what there is to know about Rivka. This exercise in self-exploration was, indeed, incredibly eye-opening.

I think it's really interesting how our system, before we even realized we were a system, came together to surround and protect Kyle from outside forces back when our body was physically a teenager... Back then, even when we had our differences, we all agreed mutually that Kyle was to be shielded and protected as much as possible from our mom and from others who might seek to hurt him or deny his gender identity. I think that was really cool of us, especially since this was partially happening during a time in which we had gotten obsessively religious.

Sadly, things changed with time as we came to be coerced into our grandparents' religion (Catholicism). Suddenly, parts began to show up that were opposed to any transgender leanings in our system. One was a Catholic part and the other was a Feminist part... and the sad part is that sometimes these parts still have issues with letting go of their hurtful beliefs and attitudes towards Kyle.

In sitting with both parts and talking to them, I was better able to understand what was going on:

The Catholic part is all about following the dogma of the Catholic Church. Sometimes her influence is so great that she even convinces the Non-denominational Christian part to be more strict in her own religious beliefs. When I ask the Catholic part why she clings to her beliefs so tightly, it's because she feels strongly that she needs something to believe in. Without something to believe in, she feels lost and aimless, much like we felt back at age 19 when we left the religion of Islam. That is a source of trauma, as is the fact that our grandparents pushed Catholicism on us as the "only right religion". We initially wanted to be Jewish, but our grandparents wouldn't allow us to properly pursue that path. Then when we looked into Christianity, they'd only truly accept if we were Catholic. I felt we had no choice. If we wanted to be Christian, we felt our only option was to force ourselves to be Catholic and then get baptized in that church... It wasn't fair what happened to the Catholic part. She should never have been forced into the role that she was in. She might have still formed around the positive things we appreciate about Catholicism, but perhaps she wouldn't have clung so tightly to the more dogmatic and toxic parts of the religion.

The Feminist part, on the other hand, would hyper-fixate on the idea that she is a "woman" and would do everything in her power to try and force herself into that label. She still does that to this day, and I can tell that it really bothers and hurts her. In looking closer at her hurts, I can see why she has these internal struggles. Back when we were in our early 20's, we got diagnosed with PCOS, and due to the lack of periods and the possibility that we might have fertility issues if we ever try for a child someday, we broke down really badly. These very real struggles made me feel like a defective woman and I would often express to therapists that I didn't "feel female enough". I knew it didn't make much sense because I was assigned female at birth, but something still felt so wrong. So when I found a community of women who were saying things affirming our sex at birth, the Feminist part took it and ran for the hills with it. That's not to say that all of her ideas are correct or the only way to interpret gender, but it is to say that her actions and beliefs come from a place of genuine hurt and suffering... these are things I hope that we can all walk with her together about to help her heal.

...I guess when it comes down to it, we're all just a bunch of wayward spirits trying to find our way "home". We want to go to a Heavenly place someday where we can all rest in peace. I don't know if that would ever become a reality, but in any case, in order to make it to that place of Serenity, I think we all need to come together and work together as a family. I think it's the only way we'll ever find true rest and peace...

And as for me (Ponko), I'm starting to look at myself in comparison to Kyle and I'm starting to think that I might have emerged as a part from Kyle to try and be a Big Sister to some of the system members. I'm still learning more about myself as we speak, but I feel like I'm around the same internal age as Kyle (fifteen) and have a lot of the same attitudes that he has regarding being cheerful and fun-loving. I'm so glad that I get to be here and exist. I'm so grateful to be able to help out my system family. It really does feel like a blessing and gift from God or whoever's out there in the Universe running things.

Quick background on me: I was raised Muslim from birth and ended up having doubts in my late teens before officially leaving Islam by the age of around 20 years old. The decision wasn't an easy one to make and, in all honesty, it was a traumatic decision for me to make, but I decided that I needed to leave it in order to more fully immerse myself in other religions and paths. Back in my younger days, my mother forbade me from learning about or participating in the practices of other religions. To an extent, I can see why she might have done that, but as someone looking back on the situation, I don't think this was the best thing for her to have done. In essence, her strictness is what ended up causing me to leave Islam in the first place... but now, almost eight years have passed. I can't continue blaming my mother forever about this. At some point, I have to make a decision about what I'm going to do with myself and my life... but I wonder what decision I should make. Do I follow what is the most logical? What feels best to me? But then, how do I know that what I am feeling is actually right as opposed to wrong or subjective?

Questions like these, I believe, are a big part of why I have been running between religions and spiritual practices for almost a decade now. I keep telling myself that I want to just be someone who makes a custom spirituality and does whatever, but this notion still makes me feel very unsettled and unreasonably agitated with myself. My soul yearns for something more; for signs to tell me where to go. I can say that my soul inherently knows where it needs to go, but is that really true? My moral compass could be needing some fine-tuning and if I didn't have a guidebook of sorts, I wouldn't even know it. I really do hate this feeling of unknowing, even if I have been told that I don't have to follow any particular religion. I'm either neck-deep in the religious indoctrinations of my youth and young-adulthood, or I'm right and I really should find the Way... but again, which way is the "right" way?

I happened upon a video on YouTube where someone asked a Muslim speaker this same question, and his advice was to give religions a chance to prove themselves before arriving at a decision. Being that I am the most familiar with Islam, I can investigate the claims, beliefs, and practices that it makes through the Qur'an. If I am satisfied, no further action would be needed. But if I need to rule out other religions as well, then it would serve me well to continue researching to arrive at a conclusion. The main point in this case, however, is that I cannot cave into intellectual laziness in this instance. Doing so has been hurting me more than helping me for years now. Seeking education and knowledge on religious matters is what I believe I need to do. I've been trying for years, but with limited success due to all the bouncing around I have done with all religions I have looked into. It's the frequency with which I do it that causes the most trouble, I believe. I can't study more than one religion at a time because the lessons get muddied with partial amnesia barriers in my brain from the degree and rate of switching that happens between my parts. I see it like seeking a religious vocation: You can only look into one path at a time. For example, if I were Catholic and seriously wanted to be a nun, I'd need to look into that on its own. It would likely tilt and skew my ability to look into the religious life if I was looking into being a nun while dating someone at the same time, wouldn't you say? That may not be the case all of the time, but I know for me that I can't focus on more than one thing at a time. That's just not how my brain was meant to function.

Maybe this is the first course of action when it comes to finding out where I belong. Being that my Muslim part happens to be out right now, I think I'll begin by giving the Qur'an a fair chance. I have an English copy of the book, and I just got myself a structured journal with which I can do some "Qur'an Journaling" (comparable to Bible journaling). I want to study the Qur'an and see for myself what this religion is all about. I was born and raised in Islam strictly, but my parents and family are not without errors. They are human too, so they may have had cultural practices that did not mesh well with Islam as a whole. When culture and religion mix, sometimes confusion ensues, so that's why I want to try learning myself... I wonder if I could look into a Qur'an studying class. Even if not, though, I think I can figure things out well enough on my own as well.

I hope to continue being patient with myself as I try to figure things out. Other parts of different paths may want to come to the surface, and they are welcome to do so, but I really want to make a concentrated effort to focus on one religion at a time, if at all possible. Even if the other parts were to take up the Qur'an studying as well, that would be better than abandoning it until my Muslim part would come back to the surface again. And I don't need to immediately jump back into the religious practices with both feet either. I am free to take my time with this journey I am on. The only reason I do that is because I am constantly aware of my own mortality and I want to ensure that I make it to Heaven or wherever the "Good Place" would be.

May Allah guide me as I continue to seek knowledge and the Truth, and may He reward my efforts to find the way, even if it takes me the rest of my life. Ameen.

Today I'm thinking about how my religion of origin (Islam) no longer fits me and hasn't fit me in over a decade. It's been a difficult journey to get to this point in acknowledging that, but it's the truth. There was a comic I read on Tumblr back in 2020 [link to comic here] that kind of reflects my feelings on the matter, and I was thinking about it today as I listened to some old Arabic songs from my childhood and adolescence.

In truth, I feel connections and roots planted in different traditions. I have roots in Islam, but I also now have connections with Catholicism and even Non-Denominational Christianity. That's not even mentioning my personalized spirituality as well, but regardless, I have a lot of different and seemingly conflicting aspects of these religions all within me. I've tried to have them fight for the top spot in my heart, but that simply won't do. There are pro's and con's with each religion and spiritual practice; it wouldn't be feasible for me to pick one or for me to even exclude them all. As you can imagine, this brings a lot of difficult thoughts to mind, but then I think back to that comic that I shared at the top of this post. I think maybe the artist is right. Maybe it's okay to make your own patchwork shirt or sweater from the materials of several other religions and spiritual orientations to make your own customized spirituality that works for you. Some may see it as sacrelige, but I personally don't see much harm in it at all. I think we're all entitled to believe as we believe, so long as you're not forcing your beliefs on others.

It's the beginning of 2024 and already, Lent and Ramadan are soon going to be upon us. Afterwards, Easter and Eid-ul-Fitr (respectively) will follow... I can't commit fully to Catholicism, Christianity, or Islam, but I don't see the harm in me celebrating these different celebrations either. I see Lent as a time to reflect on ways that I am serving God in my thoughts and actions, and Ramadan is a time in which I reflect on the many privileges that I take for granted every day (including shelter, food, and clean water). And then there's Easter, which I love, because to me, it's a celebration of the resurrection of Jesus as well as a springing forth of new life from the Earth around us. And Eid-ul-Fitr is a time in which I thank Allah (Arabic word for "God") for all that I have. There are more celebrations to consider as well, but I want to start small for now and go from here.

I may not be committed to any one religion or spirituality, but maybe that's part of how I'm supposed to live. If I reflect on Taoist philosophies, I need to go with the flow of the water current, not try to force it or swim against it, so to speak. Letting myself experience "The Way" is how I'll achieve harmony within myself. I'm composed of many different parts, and that can make life tough if we work against one another, but together, we can make it work somehow.

It's the eve of my first day of internship and I couldn't be more excited! I'm working with an organization that is Christian-based and is all about aiding in the recovery of human trafficking survivors. It's something I've wanted to help with for so much of my professional life. But as I approach tomorrow and all that it brings, I can't help but reflect on God again, from a Christian context.

Being that the organization is Christian-based, I believe we might be able to offer to them resources that might aid in their spiritual health as well, so to speak. We work in partnership with local churches and some of the things that they offer are things like "Celebrate Recovery" and prayer groups and things like that. It actually brings to mind a time when I was in a program much like Celebrate Recovery. The program I took part in was called "Re:Generation" and it was all about healing from things like substance abuse, behavioral addictions and issues, mental health issues, and other things like that. I really miss attending that group and having that daily time talking to God...

With another separate church that's close to me, they also have Celebrate Recovery. I think I might check it out to see what that program is like, especially since it's not too far from where I live. But in any case, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that... well... maybe my being with this specific organization and having a strong pull towards it for years now has been a sign of hope for me. I know that it's not "all about me", but maybe there's an important reason I was meant to be here. Maybe there's a reason that this organization reached out to me out of the blue to have me intern with them. Maybe God has some things in store for me that I couldn't possibly imagine, like being able to witness and partake in the recovery of other survivors. Maybe that's another missing puzzle piece that I need in my own life too.

I have a lot to think about and reflect on, huh? But I think it's for the better.

Yesterday I got to visit my Mother once again, though not as you'd expect. It started at the beginning of the day when I neglected my phone to do activities that brought me joy and inner warmth, almost like lighting a candle within myself. Throughout the rest of the day, as I went about my business by attending work, I saw my Mother all around me in every single aspect of the world around me.

I saw my Mother in the smile and laughter of a toddler that I was working with for the last time yesterday (I'm changing jobs, that's why)
I saw my Mother in the alphabet that I would recite to the child I was working with, for each letter can come together to weave together poetic phrases and words with which I can see her.
I saw my Mother in the vibrant sunset and the bright moonlight that followed it.
I could feel my Mother in the breeze outside of my car window and in the nighttime air as I contemplated many things in silence.
I could hear my Mother in my thoughts, telling me, "You did a good job today" and "I love you" at random intervals throughout the day.
I could feel my Mother in my deepening voice and see her in my soft but subtly aging hands as well.
I could feel my Mother comforting me through my tempered deep breathing as I fell asleep last night.
And I watched over my Mother as I watched over each foster child that I was responsible for yesterday evening (At my new job)

When I was a wee one, my Mother protected me and guided me in ways that could be hard to understand since her form has never been physical... and yet, at the same time, her form has always been physical, through me. She modeled for me, in an intimately personal sort of way, how to be in the world despite my biological family not being able to teach me those lessons properly. I resolved, then and there, to be just like my Mother someday when I grew up. But didn't I know? I was always my Mother the entire time in every action and decision that I made; In every wrinkle and scar that has formed on my body and in my soul. When I laugh, I can sometimes feel her reverberating in my chest and feel her in the expressive muscles in my face.

I wished to grow into the woman that my Mother has always been, and looking at myself today? I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job at that.

Thank you, Mama, for everything that you've ever done for me and for the beauty that you've helped me to be able to see in this sometimes wonderful and sometimes cruel world.

My HRT consultation is in three days. As you can imagine, I'm pretty excited about it, but I just realized something else too. So, sometimes I voluntarily attend a church that isn't affirming... I know, it's not too smart for me to do, but I do it anyways. Well, at this church, I made some friends about a year ago, and I joined a "Women's group" with them. Basically, in this group, we meet up at the group facilitator's home and have discussions out of an assigned Christian workbook. I dropped out the last time I was in the group because I got cold feet and was questioning my faith (because it can go all over the place). This year, however, I decided to join the group again... but this was before I decided I was going to start HRT. I was initially just going to get top surgery and have that be the extent of my transition as a non-binary person, but I changed my mind...

With a low-dose of testosterone and some vocal training, I'm going to try to deepen my voice, but there's a high possibility that I will also get other effects from taking T, such as increased body hair and more masculine facial features. It's not going to be as easy to hide or explain away to my Christian friends, and that worries me. I still want to be a part of the group I'm in, but once they know that something is different about me, I don't know how they're going to react. Will they be upset? Will they pity me and try to convince me to stop taking T? I don't know... but I don't think the reception is going to be good in either case. These friends are all much older than me (in their 50's and 60's), but they're still very loving friends all the same... I just wonder what the reaction is going to be. Will I still be welcome at their table, even if I am outwardly gender non-conforming?

...Part of me wonders if I should just break the news to the group leader now instead of trying to be "stealth" with this for as long as I can. At least then I could save myself some heartache, even though I'll still likely find disappointment... I think I just need to rip the band-aid off and say something. Thankfully I live in a pretty liberal area, compared to some other places, so I'm not fearing for my physical safety. But yeah... ironically, the name of the book we are working out of this season is "Living With God's Courage"... I think I need courage to say what I need to say. It's going to give me some anxiety, but then, if I want to be courageous, I can say what I need to say even if my voice shakes.

I'm just not looking forward to potentially losing some friends... but thankfully they are not my only friends. I also have pagan and witchy friends that I can turn to who I know will accept me. I feel like I'm living a double sort of life anyways, keeping my witchy friends a secret from my Christian friends, so if I lose my Christian friends, then maybe it would be for the best anyways... but if not, then that would be okay too. I'm just bracing myself here, don't mind me.

The concept of God is a really interesting one that I've been trying to explore for many years now. God was always a very important part of my life growing up, mostly because God was used as a fear-tactic to keep me in line. But now that I'm an adult who can freely choose my own path (a privilege that I try to be very mindful of), I'm trying to take the time to get to know God on my own terms.

It's been difficult. I've always felt as though I needed to follow religious books to the letter, but right now I'm beginning to realize that these books were written by people. Divinely inspired or not, people penned these books, meaning that there is some margin for human error in these books, whether intentional or not. That's not to say that religions with human error are inherently bad or wrong, but it is to say that maybe there is more to God than initially meets the eye through these texts.

So now I'm looking at religions with more open eyes. I'm trying to find God not only in these texts, but beyond these texts through real-world applications. I'm trying to see God in the laughter of others, in the wrinkles on their faces and hands that show a life well-lived, in the happiness they have within even when they possess so little, and things of that nature. When you look at the world as if you haven't seen certain things before, it really does make even the small things look big and more radiant. I encourage everyone to do this every once in awhile; to stop and look at the veins going through the individual leaves on a tree or plant, to wonder where the squirrel in the park is running to and what it might be thinking, etc.

I'm fortunate to be on this journey that I'm currrently on, and I thank the Universe every day that I am alive to explore life in these ways. I hope to pay some of these experiences forward by using my words and my life to try and brighten the lives of others in this world, even if it's just in my own little circles or in my own corner of the world (my community). Maybe that's what it's all about.

It's about time for me to go to bed, but before I do, I have a thought that I'd like to get out of my head, at least for the night.

I came across a Mormon person's blog online and on it there was a lot of LGBT+ affirming posts. I believe that the official stance of the LDS church is that same-sex marriage is not valid, yet here was this person still willing to be a part of the community. Previously being from two different Abrahamic religions where same-sex partnerships are forbidden, I know that walking this line between dogma and being true to yourself can be incredibly difficult, so I don't blame anyone who is still religious even if they are LGBT+.

I personally fall under the LGBT+ umbrella in various ways, but it's usually not very apparent to anyone around me unless I choose to tell them... still, it's something I am very much aware of and something that I want to honor within myself. That being said, I decided to once again look at LGBT+ affirming religions to see where I might fit in... then I realized a couple of things. Firstly, I don't have to belong to any religion since my relationship with God is a personal one that can't be officially dictated by anyone. That's something I'm going to have to figure out on my own. Secondly, if I were to join any religion, I don't think it would necessarily have to be affirming in that aspect. Would it probably be in my best interest to do so? Yes... but that doesn't have to be the only thing that my beliefs hinge on, probably. There is additional nuance that needs to go into my decision on whether I am of a particular religion or spirituality or not.

These are just nighttime thoughts that I wanted to get out of my head, but at the end of the day, I think that perhaps I might give my faith in God some more thought... at the end of the day, I'm just trying to find out, "What does Miinky believe in?" I don't want to know what others say I should believe in (although that knowledge can be enlightening and interesting), I just want to know what I officially believe in at the end of the day when I'm alone with myself, the Creator, and the Universe as a whole. What do I believe in... That's something that remains to be seen, and I'm excited to embark on the journey to discovering what I personally believe in. Thank you for listening.

Recently, I've been hit with a horrible amount of fatigue. It's hard to tell where exactly it came from, in all honesty, but I wish that whatever is causing it would leave me alone. I constantly feel as though I am going to fall asleep, and that's not a good feeling at all when you have so much work that needs to be done. Just thinking about it makes me feel bad... but it's not all hopeless. I think maybe I just need to start eating more nutritious foods or something. I'm getting a decent amount of sleep, so that's good, but without the proper nutrition, it won't do much to help in the way of my fatigue.

Anyways, along with eating properly and sleeping well, I think I could also benefit from my mindful breathing exercises. When I sit down to breathe mindfully, I feel a sense of peace and calm wash over me, and suddenly the rush to get everything done goes away. It's relaxing and I've been trying to make it a point to do my mindful breathing every day, as per my DBT group therapist's instructions. It really makes the weight of the world feel a little less burdensome, and it slows down my thoughts significantly too.

And that reminds me: I attended a 12-step program meeting yesterday at a local church yesterday. It was a good meeting and I'm really hoping I can stick with the program this time. It's supposed to last a year, and that seems daunting, but I know that the experience would be over before I know it, so I'm trying to keep myself dedicated to the progress. Something important for me to know about the program, as well, is that while it is Christ-centered, you don't have to be a Christian to be in the program. So if my belief falters once again, at least I know that I can continue to be in the program. Remembering to go with the flow of life's stream, I'm going to continue exploring this part of my spirituality again to see what I can learn and gain from it.

My Christian part seems to be active again. Normally, I would be pretty annoyed at her for surfacing again, but this time around, I think I'd like to simply sit with her and listen to what she has to say. After all, she is a part of who I am as a whole, so I would be remiss to try and ignore her, especially considering that when I've tried that in the past, it only made her become much louder... but this isn't about listening just to get her to shut up. This is about me sitting with her and using my active listening skills to actually take into serious consideration what she has to say. If I want that kind of respect from my other parts, I first have to be willing to show them that same courtesy.

The reason my Christian part is here right now seems to be because she wants to see if we can incorporate Jesus into our religious beliefs a bit more. I don't know why, but something about Jesus certainly draws me close. Maybe it's his philosophies or something, but when I think of Jesus and when I try to talk to him like I would a best friend, I feel comforted on the inside.

One of my special interests is learning more about world religions, and while I may not agree with every single thing that's out there, I can certainly lend an ear to listen to other points of view that I may not necessarily share. By challenging my thinking and listening to multiple sides of the aisle, I think I'll be more at liberty to come to my own educated conclusions. That being said, I like to think about the Taoist principle of "going with the flow". That is to say, I like pretending that my stream of thought is a literal stream, and I am but a fish who is meant to follow the stream at whatever pace it flows without trying to speed ahead or swim against the current. That helps to bring me peace and helps me to conceptualize the idea that I don't need to rush to figure everything out. Indeed, I'll never have it all figured out; after all, I'm only a human being with a limited viewpoint of the world, and that's okay.

In thinking about Jesus again, I think maybe I'll visit one of my favorite churches again soon. I know that tonight they have a 12-step recovery program going on. I think I might like to attend it again. I went before, but it's been awhile. Anyways, it's the type of program where you don't need to be suffering from substance use to partake. You can go even if you're struggling with something like perfectionism or maybe even past abuse. I think being around others who "get it" and having that support system of other people would be really nice... I have a fear of abandonment that makes it to where I push away others before they can push me away for being different, but this time, I'd like to challenge myself to not disconnect and to give people a chance to get to know me. I can't prevent myself from hurting 100% of the time. To do that is to not live a life at all. So I'm going to try my best to work on that in the group, if I decide to stay long-term.

Today I feel gloomy. It's nothing that's happened today, just a general feeling that's bubbling up from within because I've been listening to some sad music. It's funny how the music you listen to or the other media that you consume can influence your emotions like that...

...But I think I'm lying to myself if I'm trying to say that I only feel this way because of some music. That isn't the truth. There's another underlying thing that's causing me to feel this way, and that's the fact that I'm anticipating some rejection again from my mother's side of the family. As we speak, I'm trying to think of a way to break it to them that I'm not Muslim anymore. I mean, I have a Muslim part within, but she does not speak for the entire system, and I don't want to be living a lie when she's not out just to appease my family.

My family is unaware of my having Dissociative Identity Disorder, and I don't know that I'll ever be able to tell them about it. If I do, they'll probably accuse me of being possessed or influenced by demons, like they did with my mom because she has epilepsy. Only it would have more basis this time because it's not something you can see or observe obviously. Keeping my inner family a secret makes me feel bad because it makes me feel like I should be ashamed of them... but they're the ones that have taken care of me and kept me alive all of these years, so I'm not ashamed. I'm just worried that they'd try to pray over me using the Qur'an to "get rid" of my parts, like they did when my mom would have her seizures.

So I'm just going to tell them that I converted to Islam during a mental health episode to let them know that it was not a valid conversion. If they need to know anything more than that, the most I'll tell them is that I have a personality disorder that made me do that. It's not exactly a lie in that instance, and anyways I feel like they don't deserve to know my actual diagnosis. With all the abuse that they ignored and enabled my mom doing to us and our little brother, they absolutely don't get that privilege. They also don't get to know anything about the people in my system, both for my system members' safety and because a lot of them also don't want anything to do with the maternal side of the family. There's a lot of pain there, and I'm still waiting on some apologies from certain family members. Even then, though, I don't know if I can ever fully forgive them. My Christian and Muslim parts are more willing to forgive due to their religious beliefs (which is how I got into this mess of contacting maternal family members again in the first place), but the rest of us feel no obligation to force ourselves to forgive.

About the matter of telling my family about not being Muslim anymore, though, I feel like that's something that's going to cause a lot of disappointment in their eyes. Thankfully my parts will be there to help me, though. I've got strong parts that will help me not to feel bad about it and will help to keep me emotionally safe during this entire thing. With any luck, they'll just cut me off again and I won't have to worry about talking to them anymore. But we'll see about that I guess.

And I guess that ties into the title of practicing active listening from within. Moving forward, I'm going to try and make my decisions from a more balanced perspective. No more thinking about "just me". I have to think of everyone in the system before making decisions, and maybe even consult with them prior to making certain decisions. We're like a council, and everyone in the council gets a voice. When they aren't heard or considered, you get rapid switching and problems like I'm currently experiencing. So take it from me, you want to practice regular check-ins with yourself, even if you're not a system of parts like I am. That's that on that.

Current Mood: sad

I'm in another one of my melancholy moods again. To my right is a box of scarves that I use as hijabs whenever my heart starts crying out for the religion of my childhood... My relationship with religion is complicated that way. I guess I don't owe anyone an explanation, but still. It's painful having to go on this merry-go-round of identity, and I can't help but wonder if I'll ever truly heal enough from my childhood to be able to make it back home to Islam... if that's what's meant for me.

I just miss having the security of thinking that my deeds could get me to Heaven; that it was partially in my own hands and in my own control. I also miss having a plan for my future where I'd get married and have a family. My other parts don't have the same sentiments, and if they do they are divided on the matter.

I just want to be able to go home... but I wonder if that will ever be possible again...

I don't wish this pain on anyone, truly. Losing your culture and your home religion is a pain that is so unbearable and shatters your very idea of who you are as a person... It hurts so very much... and I miss my family too. The family that separated from me for speaking out against some familial abuse. Even if they did me wrong by doing that, they were the only family I knew for a long time...

I'm going to try to be kind to myself about this, but it really does sting.

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Entries tagged with religion

Discovering Who I Am & What I Believe In

About Rivka

Thinking About Kyle & Co

Okay, but which way is the "right" way?

A Patchwork Sweater

Thinking About God again

God in this moment

Friendship Issues

Concepts of God

What does Miinky believe in?

Finding Peace within the Storm

Thinking about God again

Practicing Active Listening Within

Missing my way home

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