Writing Letters to Miinky

[tuesday_morning]

This week, I went out and bought myself a composition notebook with a cute hand-sewn cover from a small store in town. It looks bright and full of life, so I thought it would make a wonderful book for me to begin writing letters to Miinky (with "Miinky" being a placeholder for my legal name). Something about writing letters to her is cathartic and healing. I write personal letters to Miinky and add song lyrics to other pages in the notebook as well. It's a book in memory of her that focuses on where I'm currently at as well as where I've been.

It might sound a bit silly, but sometimes I imagine that I'm able to retroactively send my words of encouragement and support to the Miinky of the past, as if to help comfort and heal her in a way that I wish someone could have back then. I wish that I could go back in time as a double of myself and hug Miinky, letting her know that she's going to live and that it's all going to be alright. But then, that's what the notebook I got is for.

I hope she knows that I love her dearly.

Comments

[talewisefellowship]

[Janusz]

❤️

[vesper_evensong]

Having a best friend who has dealt with DID and even an alter of a different gender, it's made me quite curious about how people experience these kinds of things. Would you consider telling me about the different alters and parts of you? I'd like to know more about how you and your system function.

Writing letters is probably very cathartic because it gives you the ability to step outside and to say what you want to say. I say this is a great idea.

[tuesday_morning]

Thank you very much for the words of support! As for your question, I'm alright answering questions about my different parts. If you have any specific questions, feel free to ask, but here's a quick rundown of my system:

In my system, I have 20+ alters of different ages and experiences. Many of them were created to hold onto different memories of my life, and in doing so, they also adopt ways in which I used to think and act during those time periods as well. Right now, I'm experiencing the full swing of my transgender part (Kyle) being towards the forefront of my thoughts. He's existed ever since I was at least 15, and he holds my experiences of wanting to explore my gender and not being able to back then. Now we are 27, though, and life is different. We no longer live with our homophobic and transphobic mom, our dad and stepmoms are supportive, and I'm currently handling my own business by living on my own with a stable job. So now it feels like we can truly handle Kyle's gender feelings rather than avoiding them for the most part.

With regards to this particular point in time, what started it was me finally being brave and overcoming my fear to tell some friends that I am non-binary. I told this to a friend and was accepted by them. Something about being brave and coming out knocked down some walls and barriers that existed in my mind previously, and now, I truly do feel very free and more present in each day than I've ever felt in the past 27 years of my life (most of which was spent in an almost automatically functioning way).

Not all of my parts identify as male, which is why I still identify as non-binary (as a catch all for everyone), and at the same time, we all have agreed on a new name and new pronouns. It feels like a collective effort we are all pitching into. I hope that might answer some questions. If you have additional ones, feel free to ask! ^_^

~ Rowen

[vesper_evensong]

I guess I would love to hear about a break down of the different alters you have, and a little about each one including gender, beliefs, and anything else like memory holder that might prove definitive. Do they all front? Which ones front for different things? How aware are you when you switch between them? what does it feel like for you?

Also, I'm saddened by hearing your mother was abusive. That's awful. Abuse is a common catalyst for DID situations. It was with my best friend too.

Step Moms? AS in more than one? Does your dad have more than one wife? I know that can happen in some faiths so I'm only curious - not judgmental at all.

[tuesday_morning]

I have over 23 different parts at the moment, so if it's all the same, I'd rather not go into too much about them individually. I can answer your other questions, though! ^_^

Many of my parts do front, but not all at the same time. Some keep things running more in the background while the others work by fronting.

Some parts will front to help me with relaxing after a tough day or week, while others will front to help me with other tasks (such as studying, goal-setting, distracting myself, reading for fun, etc). It all really just depends on what our needs are at the time, both internally and externally.

Usually I am very aware when my parts front, although it sometimes takes me a minute to discern which exact part, or parts, are in the front. There is one part in particular, however, who holds onto a lot of trauma and will frequently thwart any attempts to properly identify her. It's so bad that she doesn't even really have a name, just a number that she goes by. Maybe with additional time and trust she will be able to open up to me and my therapist more, but all the same, it can be nearly impossible for me to realize that she's fronting until perhaps a few weeks or a month has passed.

When fronting happens for me, my consciousness is still there, so I can still see everything that's going on and mostly remember it. That being said, as time passes, I can forget details of what other parts were doing out, including tasks that I accomplished or even what I was thinking or feeling at the time of doing or experiencing something. That's why I like to write and journal so much; because this helps me to remember.

- - - - - - - - - - -

As for my stepmoms, I do have more than one, but that's because my dad married one of them and stayed married for a few years before divorcing her and marrying another woman. At first I was really upset about my dad leaving my first stepmom and I hated my second stepmom... but then, my second step mom treated me kindly and was considerate, even when I was being mean towards her. On a road trip we took to visit family one time, I remember feeling conflicted because I wanted to keep hating her, but I couldn't. After that trip, we got along a lot better, and I'm so glad to have both her and my first stepmom in my life. I don't talk as much with my first stepmom anymore, but we keep in contact and wish each other "Happy Birthday" when the time of year rolls around. I really do feel blessed to have a dad and two stepmoms that love me.

It does hurt to leave my mom out of the equation, but I need to remember that it's not my fault and that I am under no obligation to continue putting myself in harm's way and through mental distress for no good reason. I gave my mom countless chances to try and mend her ways and our relationship, but unfortunately giving her chances never amounted to anything except my getting hurt and pulled back into her world of possessiveness and co-dependency. For the sake of myself, my family, and any future partner that I may have, I need to let her go. If I must keep in contact with her, I think it will only be at a far distance, because she is unstable and can become lethally angry at any moment sometimes.

[vesper_evensong]

I'm REALLY late in responding to this, but I have not forgotten!

One of the reasons I'm interested is because my best friend who has DID thinks I might have OSDD which means my parts are a bit more integrated with less to no amnesia between frontings. It's been something I'm exploring a little bit and seeking to understand.

I've now identified 4 parts besides my original self portion. I doubt that is all, but I haven't dug others up at this point. It's kind of new for me right now. It's not full blown DID though.

I am very relieved to hear you have a better relationship with the step moms since your relationship with your mom is awful. I also have another friend whose mother is a total witch. I think it's really hard to have that relationship so spoiled by abuse.

I agree it's NOT your fault that things are sour with your mom. It sounds like you've tried really hard and have concluded all you can do is have a surface relationship at a distance.

I respect that you don't want to go into all the details. I just wanted to understand a little better about your situation so as I read I can understand much more. Thank you for taking the time to outline this and tell me this much!

[tuesday_morning]

It's alright! Take as much time as you need with any replies to me. :)

And, I forget if I mentioned this before or not, but I believe I fall under the classification of having OSDD myself. I use DID for shorthand, but in all honesty, I think OSDD is probably the closer fit for me. Not sure why my previous therapists were calling it DID, but whatever.

Anyways, I'm so thankful that you've been able to discover this much about yourself! It can be a difficult thing to grapple with and come to terms with, so most definitely take your time with the self-exploration aspect.

But yeah, in any case, if you have any other questions you'd like to ask, I can do my best to answer them! :)