Brain on Overdrive

[tuesday_morning]

Hello friends. It's been a little bit since I last posted. I've wanted to post more to be able to vent and express myself more, but I have been unreasonably stressed as of late due to conflicts at work. Part of me wants to quit and flee to another job position, but another part of me wants me to try and stay for as long as I can at my current position. I tried to talk about it in therapy yesterday, but due to how strongly two of my other parts were feeling, I was unable to hear any solutions during the session. I spent the entire time venting angrily and shooting down any solutions my therapist tried to even inch towards. It felt like a disaster, but my therapist invited me to email her after the session if and when I felt ready to be able to express more of what I needed to say, if I chose to do so.

Before I went to bed, I wrote her an email exploring what was happening in my head with my parts. I ended up writing a little over five pages in total. There was certainly a lot to say and get off my chest. I'm really grateful that my therapist is here for me and that she hasn't given up on me at this point. I really do feel like I'm going through a lot right now, and I feel very insecure about a lot of things, so having her on my side makes me feel less out of control and like I need to berate myself for having these very natural reactions to unnatural situations. I also spoke with my supervisors today about the conflicts I've been having at work, and it helped to talk about it with them too. I feel a little more capable at my job now and a bit more supported by management, all things considered. Basically, I feel less trapped... maybe I won't be in as much of a rush to leave after all.

In other news, I'm tapping further into my more spiritual side these days. Yesterday, I bought some houseplants that I will be using to keep the energy and air in my room clean. I've also been being more mindful in the bath these days, and doing so really helps me to relax. I really do hate being in a rush to get things done. It makes me feel so much more stressed than I reasonably need to be. Furthermore, I've discovered a way to engage in what is known as "Forest Bathing", and that is by getting myself a membership and unlimited parking pass to one of my local regional parks. I intend to visit the park throughout the year and perhaps even weekly when I need to be in a nature setting. I can bring books with me to read, if I so choose, but I need to be exposed to sunlight and fresh air regularly. This business of being indoors all of the time absolutely needs to stop. The only time it is valid is if the temperatures outside are unbearable and I cannot breathe. Otherwise, I'm missing out on a lot of vitamins and natural beauty by staying inside all of the time.

By the way, I wanted to talk about my type of journaling on Dreamwidth. I speak on here of the daily ongoings and thoughts in my life, but there is so much more that I wish I could share with others who are willing to listen. I want to share more ideas with regards to my beliefs on "God" and a lot more. I feel like speaking my mind about these topics would help me to further develop them and cement them as stronger beliefs in my brain. By not using my voice, I am further stunting my personal growth. Before coming to the computer to write this entry, I had a thought. I wondered to myself:

 

"What do you stall for? Why do you wait for an invitation to share your beliefs and what is on your mind? Is it because you are seeking permission from others to have an opinion or have it heard? If you are seeking the permission of others to be heard, then you are wasting your time and nary a person will hear what you have to say... but if you are bold and say what you mean as you wish, surely you will be acknowledged and heard, even if you are not fully agreed with in most instances."

 

That's something I want to ponder on a bit more, because the thought is right. I shouldn't wait for invitations to speak my mind. Giving other people that amount of control over me is me just asking to be silenced and impede my own self-expression.

One more thought I would like to share before I log off is that I'm understanding better these days what it means to actually be a person. It's not all about reading psychology books and trying to understand human beings from a sanitized clinical perspective. Rather, it's about being well-rounded in a lot of ways. I can support my intellect through more academic and non-fiction reading, yes, but there's more to life than just trying to understand how other human beings operate. A large part of it, at least in my own case, should be about consuming and outputting that which sparks joy within you. To partake in the act of creation is human, but also part of our connection with the Divine, if we should happen to believe in that. Consumption, as well, is necessary in order to be able to create. We are but vessels for the information that we take in. We may interpret it to become something different in the long run, but ideas do not simply come from nowhere. I cannot think of a color if I have never before seen it. Our brains are limited in that way... but that being said, our brains can create beauty from an amalgamation of all we have observed and consumed in our lives. That's why it's so very important that we remember to take in the consumption of art. I don't mean buying new flashy clothes, but really consuming material and meditating on it. That's where things like fiction, poetry, painting, drawing, needlework, yarn crafting, and so much more would come into play. We need to have that balance if we are to live full and enriched lives... or, at least, that's what I need.

The last paragraph is a condensed taste of what I wish I would say and express more often. Perhaps I can elaborate on such things more often. Thank you for listening.

Comments

[cu_sidhe]

One more thought I would like to share before I log off is that I'm understanding better these days what it means to actually be a person. It's not all about reading psychology books and trying to understand human beings from a sanitized clinical perspective.

Very good thing to have realized.

[shadowbliss]

Yeah your work situation sounds like it sucks. Hope it improves soon.

[brisus]

I think it was good to talk to your supervisors about your issues; sometimes it can really take away unnecessary burdens that we tend to bear. Glad you were able to get some relief from that. If your supervisors are truly understanding, I would imagine they'd work with you if you're a good fit for the company!

Being out in getting lots of sunlight is extremely good for you. People have no idea how important Vitamin D is for us! ...I need to also get outside more.

RE: That's something I want to ponder on a bit more, because the thought is right. I shouldn't wait for invitations to speak my mind. Giving other people that amount of control over me is me just asking to be silenced and impede my own self-expression.
This is your journal--please share as you need to. I look at it this way--if someone doesn't like what you wrote or disagrees, they can skip it over or unfriend. A journal should be a safe-space to vent or share ideas. I tend to struggle here too b/c of my faith, but I should be more forthcoming in certain feelings. I wish you well here!

speaking your mind

[musings1931]

The way I see it, this is your journal and your space. If you wish to use it to talk about your beliefs and/or to bounce them off of others, that's totally your freedom of choice. If you wish to give people the option, you can always use the journal cut option or make it obvious in the subject what you're going to write about. I myself won't lie and say I struggle with belief, faith, etc. So, reading other's thoughts wouldn't bother me one bit.