Wishing Her a Safe Return Home

[tuesday_morning]

In May of this year, I had my name legally changed from Anissa to Rowynn... With both of those names being placeholders since I'm not one to exactly post my actual name online for privacy reasons. Anyways, I did not make this change of name decision lightly. It took me many years before I was able to have this done, and I did it. I remember how elated I felt when I heard the declaration of my new name in the courtroom... but in my heart, I suppose I still feel a lot of hurt for the one who came before me. Anissa... I know we are technically the same person, and yet at the same time, I feel somewhat different in some ways. Anissa had no real concept of Self. She only existed as others wished for her to exist, never having the chance to discover who she really was on her own, even in creative online spaces. Her existence was a hollow and tragic one in my eyes, and that's where I had to come in and take over. It felt like the only way for us to really move forward and properly heal... 

A lot went into this name change, like I said, and it wasn't an easy decision. The main reason for it was because of very heavy trauma where I felt that I didn't have a name or real identity of my own... That's why I wanted to, or HAD to, choose a name for myself. So that's what I did. We retired Anissa and her name from everyday activities, and I stepped in as Rowynn to handle things... but again, my heart still hurts for Anissa and there's not a day that goes by where I don't think about her. I don't like to think of her as a "Deadname" or a "Dead Identity" of any sort. She is, and always was, a beautiful human being and person who is deserving of love, respect, a name, and an identity... I miss her very much...

...I think this name change needed to happen for me to work through some things, truthfully, but I have a thought where there may come a day in the future where I decide that it's time for Anissa, in name and a renewed sense of identity, to make a return. It wouldn't be all at once and would definitely need a lot of healing to happen beforehand first, but... I think I would like to see a day where Anissa could come back and reclaim her name with a strong sense of who she is. Regardless, this is a delicate situation that I'm trying to handle with great care...

...But even if I decided to keep my new name at the end of the day, I still want to connect with Anissa and remind her of her worth and her important place within the system. Before, she felt as though she was just an empty vessel through which other parts could speak. She considered herself merely the consciousness that kept everyday amnesia from happening, without any sense of a personality in sight for herself. It's no wonder she could hardly stand her existence as it was... On the other hand, I am more fleshed out. Still watered down in some sense, but more stable in terms of having a sense of identity. If I'm able to work with Anissa, maybe one day I can help her to feel more whole and stable enough to come back, or at least feel more stable in her own right... It's difficult, to say the least, but for her, it would be worth it.

If she does end up coming home, so to speak, I do wish her a most safe and warmly received return. It wouldn't be for a couple of years yet, at the very least, but it would be a work in progress.