I owe no explanations

[tuesday_morning]

I spoke to my therapist again this afternoon and we reviewed our previous therapy session where I was getting super angry. We did some EMDR using the tapping technique to explore where this anger was coming from. After some rounds of me tapping my legs and shoulders, we came to the realization that I was stressing primarily over having to tell my mom about my impending name change. I wasn't planning on telling her anything until after the ink on the official paperwork has dried completely, but it's still been something that's been on my mind heavily. We explored this letter writing further and realized that this was putting undue stress on me because I was going to use the letter I was writing to my mom to explain my name change to her. My therapist helped me to realize that based upon what I was describing to her about the contents of two failed letters I had attempted to write to her and my plans at a third attempt at a letter.

We talked more and I realized something I overlooked: "I owe her no explanations, or anyone else for that matter." I hardly even want to inform her of this change. After all, she's hardly present at all in my life, save for the occasional text. My only motivations behind wanting to do this are because of some flimsy feeling of obligation and because I secretly want to piss her off as a part of me rebelling against her wishes for me. My anger makes me want to be chaotic in nature, which is why I've been itching to kick the beehive as hard as I can. But it's not worth it if it comes at the cost of my mental health and peace of mind. So when the time comes, I'm giving myself the optional choice of telling my mom or not telling her. After all, she doesn't pay my bills or provide for me in any way.

If I tell my mom, I will be doing so in a short and to-the-point manner. If she has questions, I'll allow her to stew in them because, again, I owe her no explanations whatsoever. She couldn't be bothered to get to know who I was when I was living under her roof, so she doesn't get the opportunity to get to know me on the rest of my journey to becoming 30 years old. And along with that, I will also be laying down strict ground rules for boundaries I will be setting with my mom. While I cannot control the actions of my mom, I can control my own actions with boundaries I set in place. For example: I can't make my mom respect my identity, but if she refuses to respect my identity, I give myself the full right to walk away from further communications with her. And if I don't tell my mom, then I simply don't stress myself out with the problem any further and move on. Easier said than done, I know, but I at least wish to make an honest attempt.

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Today I got a much needed full-body massage and it was SO good. Apparently my entire body was tense and the masseuse recommended that I get a deep tissue massage next time due to the amount of tension that my body was exhibiting. I even got cupping done to try and draw the tension out of my muscles, and while it all helped, I still feel some residual stress in my body. I asked the masseuse for additional tips on how to lessen the stress and tension in my body, and she told me that staying hydrated, stretching, meditation, and breathing could really help. So, in conjunction with getting massages maybe once a month, I'm also going to try incorporating meditation, deep breathing exercises, and stretches (at minimum) to my daily activities. I just need to remember to take it slow and not hold myself to high or impossible standards at this time. After all, I don't want to get frustrated and quit trying, as I have many times in the past.

During the massage, I did not force myself to speak the entire time, and instead I focused primarily on the massage and body tension while occasionally making light conversation. It was very effective to be so mindful of my body, the scents in the room, the physical sensations of getting a massage, and listening to my own thoughts. While listening to my own thoughts, I was able to hear my Mother part speaking to me through my thoughts. She was imparting some wisdom on me that I could carry with me into the rest of the week and ponder on. Even if I cannot recall everything she said to me right now, she at least planted some seeds of thought in my brain for me to return to at a later time if and when necessary. By continuing to ponder on these topics, I nurture the "seeds" planted in my brain and help them to blossom and eventually turn into a tree of neural networks that are like new highways in my brain. These so-called "highways" can replace toxic detours that were previously established in my brain.

The thoughts that were brought up during the massage included thoughts such as:

• Do not cling to that which harms you. Release it until you are no longer holding onto it.
• Sometimes the best solutions are also the simplest solutions. You needn't overcomplicate things.
• We all have choices that we must make in this life. Your mom's choices are her own, as are your own. So what do you choose to do in this situation? It's all up to you.

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Finally, I gave myself some permission to dress feminine today. I've been uncomfortably dressing more masculine in an attempt to feel "valid enough" to be considered transgender or non-binary. Because of all the negativity that exists out there regarding those who are gender non-conforming or fall under the transgender umbrella, I have been having difficulty just letting myself exist comfortably. Instead, I've been trying to seek external validation by stuffing myself into a tight box, and that's not right. That's probably part of why I was feeling so angry as well; because I felt the need to present with my perceptions of masculinity, many of which are toxic and aggressive in nature. I let the masculine energy take over and pushed the feminine energy away, along with the median that exists between the two of them.

Thankfully, we all have to run out of steam sometime, and once that happened for my masculine side, I was able to start doing some damage control last week to try and balance our energies again. It made a stark difference at work and in my daily functionings. I can now focus a bit easier, my body is not tensed so terribly as it was before, and I can be more present in the moment than before. My body is still spiritually sore from all of the harm it has internally inflicted upon itself recently, but I'm trying to work with other parts together in order to bring healing to our body and soul. It involves some energy and elemental work, and it will take time, but it will be worth it in the long run.

To wrap up this section of the entry, I'm hoping that this healing will allow for our gender expression to mellow out a bit into something more comfortable for all of us, even if that means us flowing between different presentations of feminine, androgynous, and masculine as feels appropriate for that day or situation. And, along with that, hopefully expressing ourselves more freely will also bring additional healing to us all.

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That's all for today. Thank you for listening.