My entry yesterday was full of a lot of pain, and today, I was still having residual feelings of anger and hatred. My [Mother] noticed this and made me aware of the fact that I was fanning the flames produced by the hot coals of my painful emotions. In other words, I was making things worse by ruminating on what was going on in my head. She also reminded me that, "Your (bio) mom always did say that you were living in your own head too much." I responded that it was because it was the only place where I could be free from my mom. It was the only place that I truly felt I could be myself. [Mother] listened with understanding but pushed back a bit by saying, "Yes, that is true, but you are not in that place anymore. You are now free to do whatever you wish and be whoever you wish. So, who do you choose to be?"
I started letting angry thoughts thrash around my head, saying "I AM my mom", "I'm my mother's daughter and the apple didn't fall far from the tree!" and several other things that were meant to put myself down and imply that I am a monster, just like my mom always said that I was. Those thoughts make me want to become a worse person than my mother ever was... maybe to make some kind of point to her that she fucked up and now she and others would have to pay for the consequences of my mom's abuse.
[Mother] did not respond with chastising me or wagging her finger at me. Instead, she listened patiently and, once again, gave me the truth of the matter in a gentle yet firm and matter-of-fact manner. She told me to envision myself as I listened to her speak more. I got a picture of myself in my mind and she continued by saying, "When you envision yourself, you are, indeed, looking at your mother... and yet, at the same time, you are not looking at your mother. In much the same way, when you envision yourself, you are looking at your father, but also you are not looking at him..." I envisioned her taking my hands as she continued to speak.
"My child, you are the product of two different individuals, and as such, you retain traits and genetics from the both of them. You have your mom's fighting spirit in the realm of justice, and you have your father's love of all sorts of media. You have a unique webbed toe from your father and you have some of your mom's chocolate brown skin. You have the respect for religion that your mom passed down to you in combination with your father's freedom to question... and then there is you... there is you." I envisioned her taking my face in her hands and looking into my eyes. "My dear, you have aspects of both of your parents, but at the same time, you... are still uniquely you. You are not completely either of your biological parents, nor are you completely like any other relative that you have ever come into contact with... my love, you are a new and individual experience; one that cannot and will not be completely replicated in the same time or fashion ever again... You are a miracle. One in a million, in the sense that you could have been anyone, provided to anyone, and your soul configured completely differently... but instead, you were uniquely created to be who you are... And the amazing part of it all is that you are ever growing... ever learning... ever changing... To interact with others and have them interact with you is a blessing unto itself... Not one human being is completely the same as the other, so we mustn't take anyone for granted... not strangers, and not even ourselves."
I envisioned [Mother] giving me a meaningful kiss on the forehead and concluding by saying, "You were not meant to be a carbon copy of anyone in this world. So go forth and be yourself. And, do remember not to completely live inside your head, alright? You were meant to live your life, not merely exist in the world." Her eyes of beauty and hope allowed for me to let it all sink in, and that was the end of our ongoing conversation, at least in that moment.
...In moments like this, I wish that everyone, even my bio mom, had access to someone as wise and as loving as my inner [Mother]. If they did, I think the world would be a better place... alas, since that is not always the case, I want to continue going forward in life by connecting with other people, whether in passing or in relationship to them, and sharing the love and wisdom that my [Mother] gives me with each and every encounter that I have. I want to be a light to the world, and I would be absolutely privileged and honored to impart even a fraction of the grace and love my [Mother] has gifted me to the other people in this lifetime.
Thank you for listening, beautiful soul.
