Performing... But for Who?

Over the past week, I've been taking a really hard look at my body and my personality and how I present myself to the world. The other day, though, I came across a video essay on YouTube basically going over how social media can sometimes cause people to live their lives as if they are characters putting on a performance. That made me stop and seriously start thinking about why I'm always chasing something. I've chased aesthetics for a very long time, but especially since I have started using social media. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. This, in turn, has led to a lot of financially unwise decisions on my part... but even with that in mind, I still couldn't stop myself from chasing more things; more stuff. All the while, I was trying to fill some kind of unmet need in my soul that couldn't be met with simple belongings. No, what I'm actually chasing has to come from within, and even then, is what I'm chasing after actually realistic?

I seem to have fallen into the trap of consumerism on my never-ending quest to achieve "True Happiness". Social media and media in general perpetuate the idea that you need to have certain belongings or perform certain tasks in order to live a truly fulfilling life. That's most certainly not the case, though, as much as I would like to believe that it is the truth... It's actually a lot like my obsession with religion. In trying to find true fulfillment, I have been chasing religions left and right trying to find a place for myself to call home. Coming from a background of extensive religious trauma, it only makes sense that my perception of religion bringing me true fulfillment and happiness would have been askew and unrealistic. But really, while religion and spirituality can help, they aren't the ONLY thing that can make someone feel like their life has any meaning or purpose.

And another thing that I am trying to learn is: YOU DO NOT NEED TO HAVE A BUNCH OF THINGS IN ORDER TO CONNECT TO A HIGHER POWER. I feel a little silly for still struggling to make that click in my own head, but it's the truth. My perception of God does not come from any church or religious leader, truth be told. At the end of the day, my truest sense of God has always come from within. My sense of God whispers introspective clarity into my ears (not literally) and has been the inner presence that has been holding my hand ever since I was a young child going through abusive situations. My God is simply called "Mother". Always has been and always will be. And in order to connect with her, it didn't cost me a single cent; not one penny. She has been a presence in my life from the very beginning and she did not come from any religious book or any sort of ritual... and despite knowing that, I have still bought an absurd amount of religious books trying to "find God." GOD WAS ALWAYS HERE WITH ME, but because it wasn't a popular and socially accepted sort of God, I felt that my Mother wasn't valid enough to be God's presence. That's why I've been chasing after superficial things to find God...

In much the same way, I've been looking at my own life in comparison to the picture-perfect depictions I see on social media and in movies and television. When you compare to airbrushed and "perfect" depictions of people as characters, you naturally get the urge to want to imitate those sorts of things... especially if growing up, you were very poorly socialized with other people of your own age group. Media was all that I had. I didn't know any better about how to be a "normal" person in this modern world.

Thanks to my financial situation still being what it is, I'm now forced to take a closer look at myself in the mirror and ask myself about what is truly necessary in my life and what is not. Do I really need this or can I go without it? How will my life be impacted if I go without this or that for awhile? I hate being in this place financially, but it truly is an eye-opener for me and is helping me to remember exactly what matters in life. It's humbling for sure, and it's helping me to realize that maybe the things I do daily are enough to qualify me as a normal person... and maybe being a normal person instead of someone who goes along with trends and tries to fit into an aesthetic is good enough. Maybe it's actually MORE than good enough because it is authentic.

I shouldn't feel like I have to live a life that is performative, because at the end of the day, who would I truly be performing for? Is it for myself? Society? An imaginary audience? Who??? ...They say that the first step to escaping a prison is first recognizing that the bars are there. That's why I do so much inner reflection and thinking all of the time. I don't know what the end-goal is of trying to liberate myself from my own mental prison, but it feels much better than being complacent in a system that is purposefully taking advantage of me in every way that it can. Maybe that's just my inner rebel talking, but I think she makes some really good points.

By the way, happiness is not something that you can squeeze in a vice grip and keep forever. That is simply not how the real world works, no matter how much you try to romanticize life or make things as picture perfect as you can. There will always be good times and bad times in life. What matters is what you make of it, no matter what your current situation happens to be. I really hope that this reflection sticks in my head, because I think it's a pretty profound one for me. Today has been a day of stupendous mental growth for me, both online and through private conversations with friends... I think I'd like more of this in my life. It's not something I can exactly manufacture or contrive, but I can try to make more opportunities for realizations like this to happen naturalistically. The key to that? Simple: It's living an authentic life.