Steps towards achieving unity

It's no secret that having DID is a difficult thing. For me, I cope by trying to convince myself that I'm just being silly or over-complicating things. But, alas, even in my best times, I have to admit to myself that there are very different parts of myself that are all "competing" for the spotlight, so to speak. I'm currently in yet another round of having switched to a major personality part, and I have to admit that I feel exhausted at this point in time. It's not her fault, nor the fault of any of my other parts. We're all just trying to make it through life over here, and that's all we can be expected to do. That being said, we still have the capacity to try and make things better through practicing self-care and coping skills.

When I think about how we'd all like to present ourselves to the world, I think it would be impossible to simply choose one part of myself to keep on primary display forever. Every part has their strengths and weaknesses, and we all need to be mindful of that. Besides, each part has played a very important role in my survival and existence thus far in life. I want to be able to honor each part of myself when it comes to pursuing a healing goal, so I think I'm going to keep on working towards "Functional Multiplicity" or "Healthy Multiplicity" as it's also known.

Right now, my Muslim part, my Witchy parts, and my "Inner Scientist" are all present in the driver's seat, and thankfully they are all trying to work together to help make some sort of a plan for this ultimate goal that we have. It's a hefty order, but not impossible. I think that maybe if I were to break down my ultimate goal into smaller goals, we'd be better able to create some kind of a plan to actually put into practice. I have to smile because it reminds me of my recently-ended DBT class. In DBT class, we'd learn a skill and put it into practice. We'd use the S.M.A.R.T. goal method, which stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. We'd learn some specific lessons every week in a two-hour class and then have some homework assigned to us to practice during the week. The homework was always related to the lesson. We'd make a record of our homework practice by filling out worksheets given to us, as well as filling out DBT Diary Cards on a daily basis (the sheet was a record of how many times we used coping skills during the week). We'd have a week to complete the homework before coming back for the next class, and at the next class, we'd build upon what was previously learned and complete the cycle of practicing what we learned all over again.

I say all of that to note that if I'm going to make any attempts at Functional Multiplicity, I'm going to have to be S.M.A.R.T. about it (lol, get it?). I'm going to start therapy again for supplemental help, but most of this work and planning is probably going to need to come from me and my parts. That's the only way that this is going to work properly. I think the first order of business is going to require me writing a "Parts Bill of Rights" contract for myself. In this Bill of Rights, which I can partially take inspiration from by looking online and at others, I'm going to have to list some things that each part is entitled to (such as the right to safety and basic compassion) as well as things that each part is NOT allowed to do (For example, disposing of the religious or spiritual materials of another part). Coming up with some sort of a guide for troubleshooting our issues might also be a good idea, but the Bill of Rights needs to come first. It's the foundation on which we can begin creating a skeleton of a plan before putting it into practice.

This method will likely be filled with progress as well as setbacks, but that's okay. The only way that we can truly learn is through trial and error, so I'd like to encourage all parts to not be afraid of setbacks or perceived "failures". We're all growing and changing, and with that comes growing pains that need to be accounted for.

Okay, but which way is the "right" way?

Quick background on me: I was raised Muslim from birth and ended up having doubts in my late teens before officially leaving Islam by the age of around 20 years old. The decision wasn't an easy one to make and, in all honesty, it was a traumatic decision for me to make, but I decided that I needed to leave it in order to more fully immerse myself in other religions and paths. Back in my younger days, my mother forbade me from learning about or participating in the practices of other religions. To an extent, I can see why she might have done that, but as someone looking back on the situation, I don't think this was the best thing for her to have done. In essence, her strictness is what ended up causing me to leave Islam in the first place... but now, almost eight years have passed. I can't continue blaming my mother forever about this. At some point, I have to make a decision about what I'm going to do with myself and my life... but I wonder what decision I should make. Do I follow what is the most logical? What feels best to me? But then, how do I know that what I am feeling is actually right as opposed to wrong or subjective?

Questions like these, I believe, are a big part of why I have been running between religions and spiritual practices for almost a decade now. I keep telling myself that I want to just be someone who makes a custom spirituality and does whatever, but this notion still makes me feel very unsettled and unreasonably agitated with myself. My soul yearns for something more; for signs to tell me where to go. I can say that my soul inherently knows where it needs to go, but is that really true? My moral compass could be needing some fine-tuning and if I didn't have a guidebook of sorts, I wouldn't even know it. I really do hate this feeling of unknowing, even if I have been told that I don't have to follow any particular religion. I'm either neck-deep in the religious indoctrinations of my youth and young-adulthood, or I'm right and I really should find the Way... but again, which way is the "right" way?

I happened upon a video on YouTube where someone asked a Muslim speaker this same question, and his advice was to give religions a chance to prove themselves before arriving at a decision. Being that I am the most familiar with Islam, I can investigate the claims, beliefs, and practices that it makes through the Qur'an. If I am satisfied, no further action would be needed. But if I need to rule out other religions as well, then it would serve me well to continue researching to arrive at a conclusion. The main point in this case, however, is that I cannot cave into intellectual laziness in this instance. Doing so has been hurting me more than helping me for years now. Seeking education and knowledge on religious matters is what I believe I need to do. I've been trying for years, but with limited success due to all the bouncing around I have done with all religions I have looked into. It's the frequency with which I do it that causes the most trouble, I believe. I can't study more than one religion at a time because the lessons get muddied with partial amnesia barriers in my brain from the degree and rate of switching that happens between my parts. I see it like seeking a religious vocation: You can only look into one path at a time. For example, if I were Catholic and seriously wanted to be a nun, I'd need to look into that on its own. It would likely tilt and skew my ability to look into the religious life if I was looking into being a nun while dating someone at the same time, wouldn't you say? That may not be the case all of the time, but I know for me that I can't focus on more than one thing at a time. That's just not how my brain was meant to function.

Maybe this is the first course of action when it comes to finding out where I belong. Being that my Muslim part happens to be out right now, I think I'll begin by giving the Qur'an a fair chance. I have an English copy of the book, and I just got myself a structured journal with which I can do some "Qur'an Journaling" (comparable to Bible journaling). I want to study the Qur'an and see for myself what this religion is all about. I was born and raised in Islam strictly, but my parents and family are not without errors. They are human too, so they may have had cultural practices that did not mesh well with Islam as a whole. When culture and religion mix, sometimes confusion ensues, so that's why I want to try learning myself... I wonder if I could look into a Qur'an studying class. Even if not, though, I think I can figure things out well enough on my own as well.

I hope to continue being patient with myself as I try to figure things out. Other parts of different paths may want to come to the surface, and they are welcome to do so, but I really want to make a concentrated effort to focus on one religion at a time, if at all possible. Even if the other parts were to take up the Qur'an studying as well, that would be better than abandoning it until my Muslim part would come back to the surface again. And I don't need to immediately jump back into the religious practices with both feet either. I am free to take my time with this journey I am on. The only reason I do that is because I am constantly aware of my own mortality and I want to ensure that I make it to Heaven or wherever the "Good Place" would be.

May Allah guide me as I continue to seek knowledge and the Truth, and may He reward my efforts to find the way, even if it takes me the rest of my life. Ameen.