Thinking About Kyle & Co

I think it's really interesting how our system, before we even realized we were a system, came together to surround and protect Kyle from outside forces back when our body was physically a teenager... Back then, even when we had our differences, we all agreed mutually that Kyle was to be shielded and protected as much as possible from our mom and from others who might seek to hurt him or deny his gender identity. I think that was really cool of us, especially since this was partially happening during a time in which we had gotten obsessively religious.

Sadly, things changed with time as we came to be coerced into our grandparents' religion (Catholicism). Suddenly, parts began to show up that were opposed to any transgender leanings in our system. One was a Catholic part and the other was a Feminist part... and the sad part is that sometimes these parts still have issues with letting go of their hurtful beliefs and attitudes towards Kyle.

In sitting with both parts and talking to them, I was better able to understand what was going on:

The Catholic part is all about following the dogma of the Catholic Church. Sometimes her influence is so great that she even convinces the Non-denominational Christian part to be more strict in her own religious beliefs. When I ask the Catholic part why she clings to her beliefs so tightly, it's because she feels strongly that she needs something to believe in. Without something to believe in, she feels lost and aimless, much like we felt back at age 19 when we left the religion of Islam. That is a source of trauma, as is the fact that our grandparents pushed Catholicism on us as the "only right religion". We initially wanted to be Jewish, but our grandparents wouldn't allow us to properly pursue that path. Then when we looked into Christianity, they'd only truly accept if we were Catholic. I felt we had no choice. If we wanted to be Christian, we felt our only option was to force ourselves to be Catholic and then get baptized in that church... It wasn't fair what happened to the Catholic part. She should never have been forced into the role that she was in. She might have still formed around the positive things we appreciate about Catholicism, but perhaps she wouldn't have clung so tightly to the more dogmatic and toxic parts of the religion.

The Feminist part, on the other hand, would hyper-fixate on the idea that she is a "woman" and would do everything in her power to try and force herself into that label. She still does that to this day, and I can tell that it really bothers and hurts her. In looking closer at her hurts, I can see why she has these internal struggles. Back when we were in our early 20's, we got diagnosed with PCOS, and due to the lack of periods and the possibility that we might have fertility issues if we ever try for a child someday, we broke down really badly. These very real struggles made me feel like a defective woman and I would often express to therapists that I didn't "feel female enough". I knew it didn't make much sense because I was assigned female at birth, but something still felt so wrong. So when I found a community of women who were saying things affirming our sex at birth, the Feminist part took it and ran for the hills with it. That's not to say that all of her ideas are correct or the only way to interpret gender, but it is to say that her actions and beliefs come from a place of genuine hurt and suffering... these are things I hope that we can all walk with her together about to help her heal.

...I guess when it comes down to it, we're all just a bunch of wayward spirits trying to find our way "home". We want to go to a Heavenly place someday where we can all rest in peace. I don't know if that would ever become a reality, but in any case, in order to make it to that place of Serenity, I think we all need to come together and work together as a family. I think it's the only way we'll ever find true rest and peace...

And as for me (Ponko), I'm starting to look at myself in comparison to Kyle and I'm starting to think that I might have emerged as a part from Kyle to try and be a Big Sister to some of the system members. I'm still learning more about myself as we speak, but I feel like I'm around the same internal age as Kyle (fifteen) and have a lot of the same attitudes that he has regarding being cheerful and fun-loving. I'm so glad that I get to be here and exist. I'm so grateful to be able to help out my system family. It really does feel like a blessing and gift from God or whoever's out there in the Universe running things.