Rowen

I told my boss yesterday about wanting to use a new name at work. I've always wanted to change my name, ever since I realized it was a thing I could legally do someday back at the age of nine. I'm 27 now and have finally found a name that I think fits perfectly, hence why I'm going to change my name at work and at school too.

In announcing this change to my boss, however, everything suddenly feels so real. Names have power, and me changing mine is a very powerful thing. It's a good thing for me, but also very sad as well... I always knew that releasing my birth name would be a process, but now that I'm actually going to do it, my heart is bursting with tears, as if someone incredibly close to me is in the process of dying... In a way, I guess that's kind of true.

My birth name, to me, belongs to the young girl and young adult that I have been up to this point. So much pain and sadness is enveloped in that name, as well as a strong detachment from the name altogether. My birth name never truly felt as if it was my own... But as I release my birth name into my symbolic lake of life experiences, I realize that suddenly my birth name will have a meaning. I feel like, somehow, letting it go means I'm granting importance to it as I pass it down to the girl I was before. Finally she will have a name of her own and I will have a name of my own too.

When I legally change my name, I plan on writing a eulogy for my younger self to help her to rest more peacefully during and after this transition. She deserves it after all that she's been through, as do I. This is my chance at a fresh start, and while it may hurt and cause me tears of mourning, I also don't think I'd want to have this any other way.

I hope younger me dreams peacefully as I move on.