My Anger is Not Evil

My anger is powerful, but evil it is not.

It is a force that can be used for negative or for positive, but evil it is not inherently.

 

 

These are the sentiments that I need to continue communicating to myself, because otherwise, I will end up burning myself alive in the flames of rage. Now that Rowen is here, the flames of fury now feel safe enough to express both internally and externally... at least on a subconscious level. On a conscious level, I do indeed feel very afraid of the wrath that my anger could bring unto others. Violent intrusive thoughts keep coming into my head, and they mostly cycle around my fears, insecurities, and previous traumas. The thoughts make me feel a large amount of shame and genuine hatred towards myself. I keep asking myself what's wrong with me, and I continually beat myself down verbally in ways that shock even myself.

I was never supposed to experience this level of anger and rage. I never should have been brought to a point where this would be my reality... but the fact is that things did happen to spur on these feelings that make me want to fight others and be a menace to those who have hurt me and those that I love. Much of my anger emanates from a sense of violated justice. Those who abused got away with it in the end, and I'm left here with broken shards of glass where there once stood a beautifully crafted masterpiece of art. My anger makes me a monster and someone that should not exist in society... at least, that is what part of my brain believes. But my anger is not evil. What I do with it is what will determine whether it creates positive or negative, or potentially stays neutral.

To try and combat my anger, I must first seek to understand it. Using the tools I have gotten from years of therapy, I think that sitting with the anger and "just noticing" will do me a world of difference. This is where disconnecting from digital and other distractions is so crucial. In order to truly sit with my anger, I first need to ensure that I'm not crowding it with noise, nor am I pushing it away to have to reckon with later. And by detaching from things like angry music and such, I'll ensure that I am not exacerbating my problem even more... Sitting with my anger is important as well because I cannot create meaningful change through solely reading printed materials on the nature of anger, abuse, trauma, etc. I must actually walk through the depths myself in order to get out of the fire pit I am in. No one else can pull me out. Only I have the power to pull myself out. In much the same way, only I can determine what happens after this. Do I continue to be hateful and wrathful until the end of my days, or do I allow the anger to pass through me without trying to impede its journey? Do I cling to my rage or do I let it flow as it needs to? The choice is mine and mine alone.

Learning about the Tao and how to live in balance within myself and my natural everyday environment brings me a sense of freedom and relief. Anger is a very human emotion, and not one that needs to be shoved down and away. Learning to manage the needs that the anger is presenting to you is what needs to happen instead. In expanding the range of emotions that I can feel, confront, and work through, I expand my ability to experience true liberation.


Homework Tasks for this week:

• Mindfully sit with anger when it arises and let it pass through.
• Keep track of instances of anger using A-B-C data collection. (A: The trigger, B: The experience, C: The result)
• Keep a journal as needed to express what is on the mind.
• Don't forget to engage in calming practices and behaviors to keep from being submerged in anger for too long.