`♡´ Thinking of Her Again `♡´

If some of you weren't aware, I was raised Muslim. I ended up leaving Islam when I was maybe 19 years old, but it was really hard for me. I feel like I had to leave my whole culture, somewhat second language, prayers, (abusive) family, and everything else behind. It was a very traumatic thing that I never really was able to get over. I needed the space to be able to get to know who I am disentangled from the toxic aspects of the ways I was raised with religion as a tool of control, but I also felt that my beliefs were unceremoniously ripped from my hands before I was ready as well, only adding to the culture shock and trauma of it all, thanks to other family members that wanted me to convert to their ultra-strict version of Catholicism. What happened was not okay.

Since leaving Islam almost ten years ago, I have tried dozens of times to try to go back to Islam and explore other religions in an attempt to fill the void left in my soul from not having the structure of religion there... Maybe it was about my needing to re-discover my relationship with God without the confines of religious boxes that don't fit me, and I feel that I've been getting better at finding that out... but she's still here; that Muslim part of me. She dearly misses a lot of things about how we grew up, mainly the feeling of somewhat perceived safety from being in a family that stuck together (even if they later turned to defend an abuser), being in a community where we have unique cultural things in common, having a way to pray where I felt seen and heard, and getting to participate in Ramadan... Ramadan was my favorite time of year, it really was. I loved the discipline of it and using it to remember God and those less fortunate. It was a humbling time of year...

I don't need to be Muslim to participate in Ramadan, just like I don't need to be Muslim to be able to pray in ways that feel meaningful to me or have a connection with God or a community in other ways either... In the end, maybe Islam doesn't completely fit me in the traditional sense, and maybe it never will... but then, I don't think any one religion fits every follower completely perfectly either. There's variation and differences in interpretations everywhere. That's just the human condition, so to speak. That doesn't mean it's bad or wrong, just different, and that's perfectly alright.

My biggest hang up seems to be that I'm afraid of what other people will think. People in the Muslim community can be accepting and open minded, but in my experience, many are not and can get very angry if you go against the status quo. For this reason, I avoid religious gatherings and even Muslim friends I made during intermittent times when I would wear my hijab. I'm afraid of rejection, and this is the same way I've acted even with Christian friends I have made because of the fear of rejection... but I'm beginning to remember now that it's not fair for me to assume people's reactions without giving them the chance to actually react first. Safety first, of course, but I also want to remind myself to take the time to talk to everyone and give them the chance to know the real me as she exists. If she is accepted, that is wonderful! But if she is not, or if others attempt to forcefully coerce her into "joining their side", then perhaps it's just not meant to be... but that doesn't mean that I still can't follow my heart with how I seek God. At the end of the day, it's not even about the religious community, although that is important as well; it's about me and God alone.

I don't know that I can comfortably declare myself a Muslim at this time, but what I can say is that I'm still growing, seeking, and learning. I probably will be until the day that I meet my maker, and that's okay. And for what it's worth, I know that I'm not alone. There's a group called Muslims for Progressive Values that exists and is a very open and accepting organization that presents Islam in a way that accepts everyone regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression, etc. And they're very big on social justice things that I also support that could be considered controversial in the mainstream Muslim community. I know I am not alone and that others would stand with me, so I am not going to back down and give up. To the best of my ability, I want to become someone that we (my Muslim part and all other parts of me) can all coexist together as comfortably and authentically.

Thank you for listening ♡