Gender Thoughts Revisited

[tuesday_morning]

I seem to keep going back and forth with myself when it comes to defining what my gender identity is. Two parts of myself are having a war over whether I'm non-binary or simply a woman, and every time that I change my mind, it takes a toll on me. It's exhausting and annoying, but I have no other choice than to be compassionate and patient with myself, especially if I want to see any change. I want to get to a mental space where I know who I am and I know what I want out of life... but I suppose that I'm wondering what I'm not doing that has me continuing to go around in this cycle... Perhaps having myself map out the issue on paper and then thinking of ways to break this destructive loop is the way to go.

The part of me that wants me to conform to womanhood worries that if I continue towards my goals of getting top surgery and changing my name, I may come to regret it. She also has some paranoid conspiracy thoughts regarding my transitioning that are certainly stemming from the trauma of being exposed to my mom, who would fill my head with governmental conspiracies every day until I was about 19 years old... but I can't continue to allow myself to stay stagnant when I was meant to grow and be alive. Thus, I think I will need to re-evaluate my cycles and thoughts again. Perhaps using a Cognitive-Thinking Triangle would be something that would help me out here, or something else. In any case, I'm sure I can find what I'm looking for online to help me out with finding ways to break these toxic thinking cycles.

Gender has been on the forefront of my mind once again because I'm changing medical insurance starting tomorrow, and that means that I'm going to start reaching out to a medical clinic that can help me with my top surgery. There's one clinic I really want to go to four hours away from where I live, and as soon as I can, I'd like to start saving up some money so that I can get my surgery after graduation from school. When I think about getting top surgery, I feel excitement and a sense of peace and longing... regardless of my gender, I want to get top surgery, but I still need to convince the womanhood part of myself that I'm not going to regret anything... but I've got time. The time is going to pass anyways, so there really isn't any rush.

Thank you for listening everyone.