Rowen and Mii
Apr. 9th, 2024 07:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tuesday_morningTalking more about grief, symbolic death, and DID integration under the "Read More." This will be as non-graphic as possible, but still putting this under a Read More since integration can be a touchy subject for some systems and I want to be mindful of that.
It's a Tuesday and I only have about a month until the anticipated finalizing of my legal name change. With this impending change, there is a lot of grief going on within our system, and that grief has been there for at least a month now... The grief is happening because Mii, the original Leader of the system, has decided that this change will mark the end of her being the Leader and the beginning of Rowen being the new Leader who keeps the system together like glue. It's been hard on us all to experience this emotional pain, even moreso because how can you explain this to people who don't understand DID? How can you speak of such things without seeming as though you are mocking people who are experiencing "real" grief?
...Let's get one thing straight: My feelings of grief are very real; so much so that I can feel the sadness and changes taking place in my body. When Mii is present, she feels weary but as if she is slipping into a restful sleep. When other parts are present, they attempt to distract the others from what is to come, or they are sobbing their eyes out and listening to sad music in memory of Mii. It's definitely a new experience. I talked about this with my therapist today, and she was very understanding. She reminded me that even those who do not experience multiplicity sometimes mourn over name changes as well, whether they are transgender like me or are changing their last name upon marriage to a spouse. I appreciate her saying that. It makes me feel less alone in this grieving process...
...Originally, when Mii said that she was going to take an everlasting rest, she said she wanted to sleep underneath an orange tree in our inner world... We thought she would come back as a ghost because of all the suffering she has endured over the years at the hands of our caregivers. It would only make sense since she would have unfinished business in the world of the living. But as I was writing in my physical journal about two hours ago, another proposition was posed to Mii regarding what happens next. Option 1 would be her previous plan of entering into a deep sleep and existing only as a ghost, but Option 2 would be different.
With Option 2, Mii would have to fade away in some capacity to allow for the cleansing and unburdening of all that brought her to this point in our lives. Much like what we believe may happen in the afterlife, her energy/soul would be sent up to the Great Universal Energy that we all originate from, and her soul could spend some time being cleansed in that space. Then, once she has properly let go of everything to a degree that feels satisfactory enough for her, she can come back down to the system as a new Mii. Think of it as a fresh start at life. Her and Rowen would BOTH be the Leaders of the system. They would be different yet unified. Mii would be feminine energy while Rowen would be masculine energy. Together, they could both balance each other out in order to create a stronger united front in which we could all navigate the world a little bit easier.
Honestly, I think Option 2 is the one that will be selected, because it gives Mii a more active role in our life rather than a passive role in which she is mostly forgotten and unexpressed. Besides, it feels the most respectful of the two choices, because were it not for Mii, none of us would be here today.
I've been reading books on grief and learning a lot during this process. I will likely continue reading about grief and death, as it could make this process go easier and smoother for us all, and alongside that, I would also like to read and do more with regards to living a life well lived. At the end of the day, the main goal of therapy is not to integrate all of the parts into a forcefully fused whole, but rather to learn how to live a life. Some call it living a "new normal" after you experience trauma. For that, I'm going to turn to my Bella Grace magazines once more, as they take pause to delight in the simpler aspects of life. Even the mundane can be magical if only you know how to open your eyes and see.
It's a Tuesday and I only have about a month until the anticipated finalizing of my legal name change. With this impending change, there is a lot of grief going on within our system, and that grief has been there for at least a month now... The grief is happening because Mii, the original Leader of the system, has decided that this change will mark the end of her being the Leader and the beginning of Rowen being the new Leader who keeps the system together like glue. It's been hard on us all to experience this emotional pain, even moreso because how can you explain this to people who don't understand DID? How can you speak of such things without seeming as though you are mocking people who are experiencing "real" grief?
...Let's get one thing straight: My feelings of grief are very real; so much so that I can feel the sadness and changes taking place in my body. When Mii is present, she feels weary but as if she is slipping into a restful sleep. When other parts are present, they attempt to distract the others from what is to come, or they are sobbing their eyes out and listening to sad music in memory of Mii. It's definitely a new experience. I talked about this with my therapist today, and she was very understanding. She reminded me that even those who do not experience multiplicity sometimes mourn over name changes as well, whether they are transgender like me or are changing their last name upon marriage to a spouse. I appreciate her saying that. It makes me feel less alone in this grieving process...
...Originally, when Mii said that she was going to take an everlasting rest, she said she wanted to sleep underneath an orange tree in our inner world... We thought she would come back as a ghost because of all the suffering she has endured over the years at the hands of our caregivers. It would only make sense since she would have unfinished business in the world of the living. But as I was writing in my physical journal about two hours ago, another proposition was posed to Mii regarding what happens next. Option 1 would be her previous plan of entering into a deep sleep and existing only as a ghost, but Option 2 would be different.
With Option 2, Mii would have to fade away in some capacity to allow for the cleansing and unburdening of all that brought her to this point in our lives. Much like what we believe may happen in the afterlife, her energy/soul would be sent up to the Great Universal Energy that we all originate from, and her soul could spend some time being cleansed in that space. Then, once she has properly let go of everything to a degree that feels satisfactory enough for her, she can come back down to the system as a new Mii. Think of it as a fresh start at life. Her and Rowen would BOTH be the Leaders of the system. They would be different yet unified. Mii would be feminine energy while Rowen would be masculine energy. Together, they could both balance each other out in order to create a stronger united front in which we could all navigate the world a little bit easier.
Honestly, I think Option 2 is the one that will be selected, because it gives Mii a more active role in our life rather than a passive role in which she is mostly forgotten and unexpressed. Besides, it feels the most respectful of the two choices, because were it not for Mii, none of us would be here today.
I've been reading books on grief and learning a lot during this process. I will likely continue reading about grief and death, as it could make this process go easier and smoother for us all, and alongside that, I would also like to read and do more with regards to living a life well lived. At the end of the day, the main goal of therapy is not to integrate all of the parts into a forcefully fused whole, but rather to learn how to live a life. Some call it living a "new normal" after you experience trauma. For that, I'm going to turn to my Bella Grace magazines once more, as they take pause to delight in the simpler aspects of life. Even the mundane can be magical if only you know how to open your eyes and see.
