Painful Questions [Trigger Warning]

In the wake of my maternal grandfather's death, I'm having complicated thoughts and feelings... Some are related to him while others are not. Still, complicated thoughts have decided to resurface once more and it hurts so badly to think about. While I am still thinking about my mom and aunts, the material under the cut is just other thoughts that have decided to bubble up on account of the feelings I've been experiencing since yesterday evening.

( Trigger warning for questions about CSA stuff below )