Seeking Therapy, Seeking Peace

Today is the first day of my health coverage now that I've switched providers and I got a LOT done today. I went to see my primary care doctor and get established with him today, I got a few doctor referrals, and I also made several calls to different places to get established as a patient. Things are still in progress, but I think I'm doing good with regards to getting everything switched over to where I'm currently at. As we speak, I'm also looking for a new therapist who accepts my insurance and also works with the things that I happen to struggle with. It's a little bit of a headache, but I'm sure that I'll find someone soon.

In looking for a therapist, I know I'm going to need to look for someone who knows how to deal with trauma, BPD and DID, and I'm just thinking about how therapy has gone for me in the past. I don't seem to stay with therapists for extended periods, and I think at this point, I've had more therapists than I can count on both of my hands. This is after almost 11 years of therapy at this point, and I'm sick of always changing therapists. I struggle with a lot of stuff, so that makes it hard to find a therapist who feels qualified enough to work with me. It makes me feel broken to not be able to work with half of the therapists I was seeing before anymore. It almost feels as though I'm the one to blame when, really, no one is exactly to blame for this. It just is what it is.

When I do see my new therapist, I'm wondering about how much I'll share about my trauma. I have a lot of it that I could say, and a lot that I have said already to so many therapists. It's exhausting and painful to keep re-hashing, so I think this time around I'll be honest, but maybe I won't just lay in my pain. I can bring up what is relevant for therapeutic purposes, but I don't have to tell my entire life story at once or even at all. It's up to me at the end of the day how much I share with my therapist, and I think maybe I don't need to share absolutely every single excruciating detail with her. There are many ways that I can process my traumas on my own, and it would be naive for me to believe that I could change my life in only one hour a week. In any case, I'll have to find a way to make it through the tough times with the tools that I have at my disposal. I can still reach out to others when necessary, but this isn't something that anyone else can fix, no matter how much I wish that would be the case sometimes.