4am Thoughts

I woke up at 3am and got myself a small midnight snack before returning to my room and starting to crochet. I think I'm doing a pretty good job so far, even though I only just started my project. I'm making myself a tote bag for my library books, and while I've been working on this project, I noticed a recurring thought in my head of a co-worker encouraging me to share my talent of crochet and/or knitting with the kids I work with. In the past, I wasn't really eager to share this with the kids because I'm "not an expert." I would undermine my own abilities because I didn't have much esteem in myself. At this moment in time, however, I'm beginning to see that maybe my co-worker is right. I don't have to be perfect in order to share my knowledge. I can still try and even learn along the way with whoever I choose to teach. I'm still not sure about teaching crochet to the kids at work (the tools might pose a risk, as these are high-risk youths), but I might still teach others if the occasion should arise where I could teach them.

I seriously need to believe in myself more often. There is so much that I know about, and the only thing stopping me is my verbal presentation. I freeze up, stutter or stumble over my own words, and always feel like i need to triple check before answering someone's question or providing them with information. I'm only human, so I won't always get it right, and at the same time, I have valuable knowledge and perceptions that can really add some color to this world. We all do, to one degree or another. I think I've been silent for long enough. I think it's time for me to start speaking and being more confident.

Gender Thoughts Revisited

I seem to keep going back and forth with myself when it comes to defining what my gender identity is. Two parts of myself are having a war over whether I'm non-binary or simply a woman, and every time that I change my mind, it takes a toll on me. It's exhausting and annoying, but I have no other choice than to be compassionate and patient with myself, especially if I want to see any change. I want to get to a mental space where I know who I am and I know what I want out of life... but I suppose that I'm wondering what I'm not doing that has me continuing to go around in this cycle... Perhaps having myself map out the issue on paper and then thinking of ways to break this destructive loop is the way to go.

The part of me that wants me to conform to womanhood worries that if I continue towards my goals of getting top surgery and changing my name, I may come to regret it. She also has some paranoid conspiracy thoughts regarding my transitioning that are certainly stemming from the trauma of being exposed to my mom, who would fill my head with governmental conspiracies every day until I was about 19 years old... but I can't continue to allow myself to stay stagnant when I was meant to grow and be alive. Thus, I think I will need to re-evaluate my cycles and thoughts again. Perhaps using a Cognitive-Thinking Triangle would be something that would help me out here, or something else. In any case, I'm sure I can find what I'm looking for online to help me out with finding ways to break these toxic thinking cycles.

Gender has been on the forefront of my mind once again because I'm changing medical insurance starting tomorrow, and that means that I'm going to start reaching out to a medical clinic that can help me with my top surgery. There's one clinic I really want to go to four hours away from where I live, and as soon as I can, I'd like to start saving up some money so that I can get my surgery after graduation from school. When I think about getting top surgery, I feel excitement and a sense of peace and longing... regardless of my gender, I want to get top surgery, but I still need to convince the womanhood part of myself that I'm not going to regret anything... but I've got time. The time is going to pass anyways, so there really isn't any rush.

Thank you for listening everyone.