Feb. 5th, 2025

tuesday_morning: (Chii)

Hello friends, it's me again. I've been wanting to post on here more, but unfortunately I keep running into Task Avoidance in the form of me falling asleep anytime something I need to do comes up, so I've been a bit stuck with that lately. It's unfortunate, and it's bleeding into different parts of my life too. I'm oversleeping, going to work and school late, and not feeling motivated at all when trying to do tasks. I'm essentially feeling burnt out right now, and it doesn't feel good. I'm going to see about taking a Leave of Absence from work for a week or two, but I know that when I come back, the same problem will still exist until and unless I am able to get better coping strategies in place to help me feel less useless all the time.

Part of me wonders if this is occurring because of a sleep disorder other than my sleep apnea. I'm due to have a second sleep study done in the next few months, if I can tolerate being off of my prescribed psychiatric medications for that long (apparently that's a requirement for me to take the study). They'll be checking to see if I have narcolepsy or idiopathic hypersomnia in addition to the already diagnosed sleep apnea. So that's in the works...

But aside from feeling sleepy, I think that a big part of the problem is, once again, my damn phone. I don't know how many times I need to tell myself this, but I need to stop using my phone 24/7. If I didn't use my phone as much as I do, there would be SO many good benefits from it! My attention span would go back up enough for me to be able to read books properly and finish them in one sitting, I would be able to maybe stop fidgeting as much in my seat when sitting for longer periods of time, and I feel like my patience would increase too. I have to do better for myself, I really do. And maybe then my activity level would be able to go back up and I'd be more free to do things like cooking and crafts without falling asleep... Alas, this is where I am currently at.

As I typed this out, I decided to download a launcher onto my phone to hide the apps I don't need to use. The one I downloaded takes away the icons and puts everything in an app drawer, with the home screen only having apps that you hand-select on it. Maybe now I'll be able to concentrate on NOT using my phone more often and for longer periods of time... but the work doesn't end there. I also need to think of ways I can spend my free time, or else I'll find ways around this and go back to my old phone habits.

When I'm not using my phone, I want to do things like visit my family, read and finish physical books, explore my own boredom, write story ideas, write short stories, learn how to bake and cook from scratch, practice painting, practice knitting/crocheting, discover how to tailor clothes I already own to fit me better, and more. There's a LOT of things I could learn how to do if only I made time for them. My phone is an affront to who I am supposed to be. People were NOT meant to live solely online, and that's something I don't want to just have as a concept in my own mind. I want to believe in this AND act on it, otherwise all of this thinking is for nothing, and that would be the real tragedy of it all.

Thank you if you've read this far into what I've had to say. I appreciate your patience with me and your willingness to listen, even if you did skip around a bit.

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