The trouble with gender

[tuesday_morning]

I have a secret I haven't shared much with other people. I've been keeping it a secret because I didn't want to seem like a bad person, but basically, I have some parts of myself that are less accepting than others of Kyle's gender identity. For those who are unaware, Kyle is another one of my inner parts, and he's really a sweetheart. He does what he can to keep the spirits of the system up, and he's overall one of the nicest people ever, in my opinion. That's why it pains me that there's been some fighting going on in my system about Kyle... for a couple of years now.

Kyle is non-binary, and that's okay with some of the members of our system, but some wish that he would simply identify as a woman so we would all be on the same page. "It would be easier that way," they insinuate, but is that actually true...? Whenever anyone tries to get Kyle to identify as anything but non-binary, it makes him feel really uncomfortable and, in the end, has everyone experiencing a bad time. If it were up to me, I would simply have Kyle be who he is and have the other parts leave him alone, but sadly it is not that easy... though, I'm happy to say that things are getting better every day with regards to the acceptance of the other parts.

For example, I have a feminist part who is very dedicated to "embracing womanhood" and has been the main person that's been taking issue with Kyle's gender identity. For her, she thinks Kyle is masking over some traumas by identifying as non-binary. Kyle, on the other hand, says that whether or not he is a trauma holder, that doesn't negate his identity. For this reason, it's been really difficult for them to get along. But within the past year, the feminist part has been trying to listen to Kyle more often and hear his side without judgement. It's really been a good thing to witness. When the two of them converse, they're often able to find some common ground, and even when they both disagree, I feel that the feminist part's heart is softening and finding compassion even in their differences... and, to be honest, I think that the feminist part might secretly wish that we, as a whole, could identify as non-binary too, but that's something she'll have to arrive to on her own time, if I'm reading that correctly.

In any case, I'm in a juggling act these days, trying to have each of my parts open their lines of communication with one another to find some common ground to meet at. My "core" parts, at this point, have developed what I've been calling a "council". Basically, they're all joining in a circle and taking turns listening to each other speak as I rapidly switch between each part without any breaks to keep the dissociation at bay. I notice that when I don't switch between different parts for a long time, I begin to forget their point of view on a personal level. That's why the rapid switching might be good in this case. I don't know. But either way, I think I'm going to be okay. I just need to be sure to focus my eyes on the prize. The prize I'm looking for is having a stable personality, or at least functional multiplicity... In the end, I don't think I'll ever fully integrate all of my parts together. I don't think that's possible in my case. But for those who can join together, I believe in their ability to do so.

Thank you for listening.

Comments

[death]

we have some trouble with this internally as well. we have alters all over the gender spectrum. we have found that when there is some sort of system-wide pushback on an alter's gender, it's worth examining whether or not it's a system-wide bias. it sounds like it might just be the feminist alter that needs healing for you here though.

we have a council type thing too! all of our meetings are done internally, but we very much function as a business haha. we have to have meetings all the time to make decisions on life stuff.

functional multiplicity is definitely achievable! likely more achievable than full integration. my husband and i both have DID, which has been an interesting journey, but we are both functionally multiple.

[tuesday_morning]

Oh yeah, the feminist part that I'm working with is most definitely the main one that needs healing in this case. In fact, I used a modified version of IFS (Internal Family Systems) theory to try and work with her recently and get a better feels for why she feels the way that she does. When I sat down with her and talked to her about the strong feelings she holds, she revealed that she basically had issue with Kyle because of the internal beliefs she was designed to hold. In secret, she feels a strong connection to Kyle and identifying as non-binary, but it's hard for her to express that since she was literally designed to hold beliefs that challenge Kyle's existence and validity. But thankfully, she doesn't absolutely HAVE to cling to these toxic beliefs. It will take some work and effort, but I believe that she can learn to let those beliefs go and replace them with more functional ones. :)