~ I love you ~

This past week has been filled with me learning more and more about myself each day. A lot of the material I'm revisiting isn't really new, but it is a new development that I'm combining all of the knowledge of who I am together. Suddenly, I don't feel so splintered and empty these days. I guess that's part of what happens once you start being more true to yourself, huh?

Yesterday, I spoke politics and religion with my younger brother, and it came to my awareness that I have strong opinions about capitalism, about the commodification of childhood and religious holidays, and the fact that children need down-time instead of being constantly barraged with having to do school work or be subjected to educational materials 24/7. I also got more clarification on what my religious beliefs are. I'm not entirely sure at this point, but it feels as though at heart I am agnostic yet spiritual.

There's much more, still, that I am continuing to learn about myself and my interests too. I'm discovering new artists and new music from decades prior and even the present. It's amazing how artists and musicians can all put words and visuals to the things that I am experiencing or find interest in. The arts are what make me feel whole and human. The arts truly are what we live for, if you really consider it. But in any case, I just wanted to share this because getting to know myself more intimately in mind and soul makes me feel like my heart can soar above the clouds and into forever.

I'm so thankful that I've been able to find myself once again, perhaps for the first time ever in this strong of a capacity.

I anticipated that I might do this later in my transition, but now that I'm trying my new name out, it feels like the right time to do so. Ladies, gentlemen, and others, I am going to begin the process of changing my name and gender marker legally, starting next week. I came to this conclusion after having tried out my new name. Already, it feels very natural and fitting to hear my new name. As for my old name, it feels like my response to that name is already beginning to fade... I think I'm ready to make it official with my new name, so I'll be changing it on all legal and business documents as soon as I can.

Truthfully, from the outside this might seem like a rushed decision, but I feel at peace within myself with this decision. Besides, I graduate from my Master's program fairly soon (4 1/2 months will fly by quickly) so I want to be sure that my diploma reflects the change in my name. Once I get my name fully and officially changed, only then will I allow myself the potential to tell less accepting family members... I'd rather I didn't, truthfully, because they didn't even deserve me when I was still going by my old name. Names are very sacred things to me, so I feel it only fitting to tell those who truly deserve to know and say it.

I already told my dad and supportive friends/family about this, though, and I can proudly say that I will also be changing my middle name to my dad's middle name so that we can both be matching. I love my dad very much, and this way, I'll be able to always have a part of him with me.

"Secrets keep you sick." This is something that I have known to be true for myself for the past several years now, and yet secrets I have continued to keep until now. I would keep secret my true feelings and my true identity from friends and work associates for a majority of my life until very recently, despite having this knowledge. Perhaps I just was not ready to be truthful with myself and others at the time, but as of recently, something within has changed. Now instead of being quiet and meek, I am beginning to tear down the barriers within myself to authenticity. That means that I am no longer hiding behind the mask of having no discernible personality traits that belong solely to myself, but rather developing my own sense of Self that feels like it's authentically my own.

I wonder if these changes are being brought upon by my brain's development. They say that your brain completely develops in your mid-twenties, so perhaps this is the case with me. I have said this before, but these days I feel more present and "awake" than I have been in my entire life. Much of my life prior to this point feel like a fog that I have distanced and dissociated myself from. The further back you go, the more dreamlike and unreal the past feels. It's unfortunate, but I shall not mourn for too long over these fading pictures in my mind. Not when there is still so much life I've yet to live.

As I prepare to enter my 28th year of life, I've decided upon the fact that I have been stagnant for far too long. I wish to be more adventurous this upcoming year, and for me that means going out of my way to try new things. I want to be able to explore more of the following things with reckless abandon:

• Movies that I have never seen (Documentaries, Animated movies, Indie films, Mainstream movies, etc.)
• Music by artists that I haven't heard before AND music in different languages
• Music genres that I haven't explored in a long time or ever
• TV Shows that I've yet to see that I have wanted to explore
• Manga of the "18+" variety AND manga I haven't read in general
• Books that are adult fiction, poetry, mystery, thrillers, etc.
• Tasting and cooking foods that I haven't tried in the past
• Drawing more artwork in an experimental sort of way
• Writing in different genres of writing and finishing short projects (poetry, fiction, non-fiction, etc.)
• Creating paintings for fun
• Crocheting and finishing at least one project

I want to learn and create so much, now that it feels like i'm finally alive and present for my own life. I want to make this a life worth living, but in order to do that, I first need to start living. These are small steps I can start taking to start living my life the way that I want to... The fact that I have a way that I want to live my own life is astonishing as well. I never used to want for anything before and simply blew with the wind, but not anymore. I feel like an actual person now. What a blessing, truly.

Here is to life!

Continuing on from my previous entry, I wanted to talk a bit as well about my Jewish part, Rivka. For me, she signifies purity, curiosity, spirituality, and a fresh start.

Rivka's journey began after I left Islam but before I began to explore Christianity. I think it started around the time that I began to look into the Unitarian Universalist church. In those days, I was looking for a community to call home and friends where I could be completely accepted and loved for who I am. I was very carefree back then and felt so new to the world of religion outside of Islam. I have fond memories of the UU church and i made good friends that I still have today, but it felt like something was missing from the community that I was seeking, so I continued further in my search. Still, I definitely appreciated how open the UU church was to LGBTQ+ folks and the search for the truth that works for you.

The next religion I looked into was Reform Judaism. I remember my first evening attending my local synagogue. It was such a beautiful service. It reminded me of home, but still a bit different. Different doesn't necessarily mean "bad", though. I quite enjoyed it. It was during the High Holy Days, specifically during Sukkot. I remember being really interested in learning more about Judaism after that, especially considering that my mom was highly anti-semetic. I wanted to learn about Judaism from actual Jewish people, and to my surprise, I discovered a lot of beauty in the religion of Judaism that I haven't been able to exactly find in the same way in other traditions. After the High Holy Days wrapped up for the year, i contacted the rabbi of my local synagogue in order to begin studying Judaism with him. At the time, I really did want to convert to Judaism, but because of the existence of my other religious parts, that made settling on one singular religion basically impossible, so I never did end up converting, despite my best efforts to just choose one path. Still, I can feel a part of my soul that still yearns for the community and sense of extended family that exist within the Jewish community.

When I think about it, I still wish that I could enter the mikveh (a special body of water used for spiritual purposes) and celebrate my life transitions and other events through it. Something about the idea of being completely submerged in a natural body of water with specific spiritual intentions behind it makes me feel vulnerable to the Universal Energy that I call "G-d" and yet safe at the same time. I cannot use a traditional mikveh because I am not Jewish, however I still like to incorporate water into some of my spiritual practices all the same. I see water as a source of life... but getting back on topic, even without being Jewish or being able to use a mikveh, my soul still feels free when Rivka is present. That's because Rivka holds onto the recognition that my soul is free and belongs to no person.

Beautiful Rivka has not been inflicted by the lies that we internalized growing up; that we belong to someone. When I look at her using my inner eyes, I see a rainbow, a breeze brushing through the trees, and a dove flying freely on the breeze. Rivka isn't as "loud" as the other religious parts in my system are, in the sense that she's not trying to convert the entire system to her own religion, but her role in the system is still so very important. She reminds me and the others in our system that it is good and healthy to question things and to "wrestle with G-d". Certainly, we do not know everything there is to know about everything, and that is simply human nature. So there is no reason to tie yourself to a religion that feels it does not fit, if that is your own experience.

Rivka is very brave as well. She is not afraid of the afterlife, whatever it may be, and actually welcomes it. In asking her why she feels little fear around death, she reminds me that life is about living in the moment. Tomorrow will worry about tomorrow, but for now, we are tasked with being in the here and now and making the most of it to the best of our ability. Does that make sense? Not only that, but learning more about death, in her eyes, makes the experience seem a lot less daunting, because truly, fear is caused by the unknown. We fear that we are headed to one place or another after this life, or perhaps we worry that there will be no afterlife in the end at all. Regardless, it is all based on the uncertainty of it all, and I just think that if we learned more about death and the realities of it, we would be at least a little less afraid... but in any case, at the end of the day, I just hope that when my time comes, I will be able to leave this earth feeling little regret, if any at all. I just know that I want to have lived a life that was well-lived, not feel like I wasted my life living in fear of the day that we are all promised.

And that's what there is to know about Rivka. This exercise in self-exploration was, indeed, incredibly eye-opening.

In the aftermath of my interactions with the part that refers to herself with a number rather than a name, I've discovered yet another part who is the exact opposite of the number part. Her name is Ponko and she's a very interesting person. I don't know all that much about her yet except to say that she's a very happy person who tries to keep me and others in my system happy and content. Whenever I see her in my head, she's making silly faces or doing cartwheels to express herself and keep me smiling. I think she's very endearing, to the point where if I could hug her, I absolutely would. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better.

Now... as for therapy, my therapist is glad to see that I've overcome the episode of post-traumatic anxiety and depression that I was struggling with when I initially met her. Now that I feel more present in myself, my therapist has suggested that perhaps we try to ease into using EMDR to treat some of my trauma symptoms. I think it's a good idea, especially because we won't be starting with the more extreme and repressed traumas first. Instead, we'll be working with traumas that I can still remember but that aren't quite as impactful today as the other more implicit traumas I have. I agree that easing into it sounds like a good idea because it will keep me from becoming so overwhelmed that I start to dissociate and not be able to continue with the sessions as needed. I know it's nothing that's my fault or even the therapist's fault, but when I dissociate during EMDR, I can't help but blame myself for it not going "right". But I need to remember that my brain is meant to protect me, not work strictly with a treatment timetable (though I wish this were the case!).

I got myself a new journal too, by the way. I can't help myself and always buy new ones before finishing the old ones... but in my defense, this notebook is a limited time only sort of notebook. Anyways, I want to fill it with things that "spark joy" inside of me, whether those entries are plans on me de-cluttering what I don't want or need, or entries about literally anything else that makes me feel joyful. I might even add entries that are based on magazine articles that I read from that Bella Grace Magazine that I'm always gushing about.


Moving forward, I want to do the following:

• I want to learn more about finances, which will help me feel more financially secure and contribute to my happiness
• Spend more time doing activities that I love or would like to explore
• Spend less time using my electronics
• Finish school assignments as soon as possible so I can relax the rest of the week

For the past 27 years, I feel like I've been trapped in a dream from which I could not awaken. But these days, I now feel more awake than I ever have before, and it's honestly all thanks to my parts that this has happened...

I keep mentioning this, but about a month and a half ago, I spoke about my trauma to receive some supportive services. This, in essence, opened a Pandora's Box that caused me a whirlwind of trouble. Suddenly, I was so very sad, angry, and scared. I was taking things out on people, even though I was trying my hardest to keep myself in check, but nothing seemed to work. Medication adjustments were not effective and simply talking about the problems wasn't doing anything either. I seriously almost wanted to end my suffering a number of times, but I was somehow able to pull through it.

But along with these negative side effects, I also had some positive ones as well. All of a sudden, I was being more assertive and vocal at work, speaking out about issues and needs rather than keeping it to myself and hoping someone else would address it. I feel like I'm officially growing up now. These days, I no longer feel like the scared and aloof individual with no discernible personality that I was prior to this change taking place. Instead, I now feel so much more put together, and the words that come from my mouth are now starting to catch up to the intellectual thoughts that I have. I sound more educated and passionate about things now than ever before when I speak. It's amazing. And I'm also more aware of the world around me and of myself. I feel more present in my body and soul too, instead of being perpetually checked-out and only responding in conversation with automatic responses requiring little thought or effort. Right now, I'm starting to feel like a real person.

How joyful that I should now be aware of the world around me and my own Self too. I look forward to continuing to grow in confidence, patience, and assertiveness as I move forward professionally and in my own personal life.

Well, it has come to my attention over the weekend that my mental health issues have not been the fault of my medications, but rather they have been the fault of discord within my system. I suppose that would make the most sense considering that my medications haven't caused me to feel this badly or out of control before... still, I guess I was just amazed at how "out-of-whack" I was feeling for seemingly no reason at all. But then, trauma will sneak up on you like that from time to time.

Now that I know the source of these issues I've been dealing with, I think it would be a good time for me to create a battle plan to address what I've been dealing with. Adjustments and repairs desperately need to be made to the metaphoric foundations of my everyday living and functioning. I've been neglecting the foundations of my own physical health and mental health, so it's no wonder that now the foundation feels shaky and like it could collapse at any moment. But knowing and naming the issue is half of the battle. The other half is planning and executing the created plan.

As a note to myself, I need to remember to look up the following things:
- Grounding techniques
- Grounding/Self-care toolbox
- Weekly self-care maintenance ideas
- Safety plan template
- Distress tolerance skills
- Emotional regulation skills
- Mindfulness practices

These past two weeks have been something else entirely for me... I have been struggling with my mental health again and, with the help of a psychiatrist, have begun the journey of trying to get off of some medications that might be hurting me more than helping me. I've had some frightening symptoms pertaining to depression recently, but by the grace of God, I was able to get seen today and get a little bit of help... My Muslim part is still present at this moment in time, and right now she is feeling conflicted about everything. On one hand, she wants to follow God in a religious way and convince all my other religious parts to follow her lead, but on the other hand, she's starting to realize now that she can't simply push all the other parts away without regards to what they think, feel, and believe. Whether any of us like it or not, we're all going to have to work together to meet the common goal of becoming "Functionally Multiple".

I just did some homework for school right now, and the topic was on working with individuals and groups of different backgrounds (LGBTQ+, Culturally diverse, etc.), and something that I realized in my required reading was that the advice that kept being given was that a social work practitioner needs to be open to listening to what their clients need them to know, while also not forcing information out of them. It's a delicate balancing act, but absolutely something worth trying. Earlier today, as well, I was browsing the bookstore shelves and a thought came to mind for me about my parts. I thought about the kind of book I wanted to find on the bookshelves and realized that the book I wanted to find actually resides within me and is waiting to be written. The book I wish to write is a series of diary entries in which I approach different parts of myself, whether in a good place or in crisis, who need to be heard by someone and need to be loved and befriended or taken care of. I just want a story where the depressed girl befriends her depression monster and makes peace with it rather than trying to slay it like a hateful beast. The depression can't help that it is there, and I don't want to hurt it for something that it can't help. Besides, I feel like personifying my depression and other states/parts/illnesses is what I need to do in order to help them all work together and heal together, even if they don't always get along.

Thank you for listening to me once again.

Quick background on me: I was raised Muslim from birth and ended up having doubts in my late teens before officially leaving Islam by the age of around 20 years old. The decision wasn't an easy one to make and, in all honesty, it was a traumatic decision for me to make, but I decided that I needed to leave it in order to more fully immerse myself in other religions and paths. Back in my younger days, my mother forbade me from learning about or participating in the practices of other religions. To an extent, I can see why she might have done that, but as someone looking back on the situation, I don't think this was the best thing for her to have done. In essence, her strictness is what ended up causing me to leave Islam in the first place... but now, almost eight years have passed. I can't continue blaming my mother forever about this. At some point, I have to make a decision about what I'm going to do with myself and my life... but I wonder what decision I should make. Do I follow what is the most logical? What feels best to me? But then, how do I know that what I am feeling is actually right as opposed to wrong or subjective?

Questions like these, I believe, are a big part of why I have been running between religions and spiritual practices for almost a decade now. I keep telling myself that I want to just be someone who makes a custom spirituality and does whatever, but this notion still makes me feel very unsettled and unreasonably agitated with myself. My soul yearns for something more; for signs to tell me where to go. I can say that my soul inherently knows where it needs to go, but is that really true? My moral compass could be needing some fine-tuning and if I didn't have a guidebook of sorts, I wouldn't even know it. I really do hate this feeling of unknowing, even if I have been told that I don't have to follow any particular religion. I'm either neck-deep in the religious indoctrinations of my youth and young-adulthood, or I'm right and I really should find the Way... but again, which way is the "right" way?

I happened upon a video on YouTube where someone asked a Muslim speaker this same question, and his advice was to give religions a chance to prove themselves before arriving at a decision. Being that I am the most familiar with Islam, I can investigate the claims, beliefs, and practices that it makes through the Qur'an. If I am satisfied, no further action would be needed. But if I need to rule out other religions as well, then it would serve me well to continue researching to arrive at a conclusion. The main point in this case, however, is that I cannot cave into intellectual laziness in this instance. Doing so has been hurting me more than helping me for years now. Seeking education and knowledge on religious matters is what I believe I need to do. I've been trying for years, but with limited success due to all the bouncing around I have done with all religions I have looked into. It's the frequency with which I do it that causes the most trouble, I believe. I can't study more than one religion at a time because the lessons get muddied with partial amnesia barriers in my brain from the degree and rate of switching that happens between my parts. I see it like seeking a religious vocation: You can only look into one path at a time. For example, if I were Catholic and seriously wanted to be a nun, I'd need to look into that on its own. It would likely tilt and skew my ability to look into the religious life if I was looking into being a nun while dating someone at the same time, wouldn't you say? That may not be the case all of the time, but I know for me that I can't focus on more than one thing at a time. That's just not how my brain was meant to function.

Maybe this is the first course of action when it comes to finding out where I belong. Being that my Muslim part happens to be out right now, I think I'll begin by giving the Qur'an a fair chance. I have an English copy of the book, and I just got myself a structured journal with which I can do some "Qur'an Journaling" (comparable to Bible journaling). I want to study the Qur'an and see for myself what this religion is all about. I was born and raised in Islam strictly, but my parents and family are not without errors. They are human too, so they may have had cultural practices that did not mesh well with Islam as a whole. When culture and religion mix, sometimes confusion ensues, so that's why I want to try learning myself... I wonder if I could look into a Qur'an studying class. Even if not, though, I think I can figure things out well enough on my own as well.

I hope to continue being patient with myself as I try to figure things out. Other parts of different paths may want to come to the surface, and they are welcome to do so, but I really want to make a concentrated effort to focus on one religion at a time, if at all possible. Even if the other parts were to take up the Qur'an studying as well, that would be better than abandoning it until my Muslim part would come back to the surface again. And I don't need to immediately jump back into the religious practices with both feet either. I am free to take my time with this journey I am on. The only reason I do that is because I am constantly aware of my own mortality and I want to ensure that I make it to Heaven or wherever the "Good Place" would be.

May Allah guide me as I continue to seek knowledge and the Truth, and may He reward my efforts to find the way, even if it takes me the rest of my life. Ameen.